jackassworld

Part 1 of the jackassworld road trip, in which our intrepid travelers—Wee Man, Chris Pontius, Danger Ehren, Preston Lacy, Mike Kassak, Loomis Fall, JxPx Blackmon, Scott Manning, Dimitry Elyashkevich, Mike G., Rick Kosick, and Sean Cliver—assemble at the office by dawn’s early light, all aside from one—Dave England—who arrives substantially later only to more or less willingly consume his own urine with minimal prodding. Special guest appearances by Johnny Knoxville, Jeff Tremaine, and Dave Carnie, all of whom bid fond farewell and good fucking riddance to the caravan.

(photo by Sean Cliver; Hollywood, CA; 2008)

Nearly four months ago now we hosted an art competition here on the site. Somewhere amid the rules and such I’d stated that the winner would receive a featured interview on the home page, but I didn’t exactly uphold this end of the bargain. My scruples come and go like the patrons of a Red Light District, but they finally managed to get the better of me so here’s the long lost spotlight on Anchy, the community member who took top arty honors. Granted, this whole thing is really fucking far from the point of any relevancy now, so perhaps it will instead be the start of a new half-ass, semi-recurring feature entitled “Who The Hell Are You?” where we learn more (or less) about randomly selected community members in no more than ten varied questions.

[Note: Anchy is from Croatia, which sounds like an era of time the dinosaurs may have walked upon the Earth, so her syntax is a bit skewed at times. While I did go in and correct a few misspellings, I've left the sentences "as is" to retain the distinct foreign flavor.]

Who are you, how old are you, and where are you from?

My name is Ana, nicknamed Anchy. My native country is Croatia, where my daddy begat me and my mother gave birth to me 28 years ago.

How did you find out about jackassworld in the first place?

I found out via bulletin, on a myspace site, and I’m glad I did. You made a very good thing happen! My compliments.

You won the jackassworld art competition. Are you an artist?

I couldn’t say that I am an artist, because you need to have something more for that. I believe that this “something” I still don’t have. I just love taking photos, shape them using Photoshop, and simply enjoy doing it. I am interested in any given topic concerning reshaping photographs, so naturally your contest intrigued me. My photos can be found on my jackassworld and myspace sites, mostly motifs of nature, clouds, sunsets. These kind of motifs are eternal and never ending.

What’s the most fucked up food that Croatians eat?

According to me that would be fried lard crumpets. Particularly the hardcore version where you eat them half-processed and sometimes even raw only a few minutes after the slaughter. Try that and then add a drink of homemade honey-based brandy.

What are some good Croation cuss words?

There are so many. The interesting ones are:
kurac = cock
sise = tits, boobs
prdnut = fart
odjebi = fuck off

If Romania has vampires, what does Croatia have?

Croatia has got me. Anyway, isn’t it enough that the vampires come on their holiday to our Croatian coast? Still, we do have the Caveman of Krapina and proteus lizard.

If I needed to smuggle a sperm whale into Croatia, how would I go about doing it?

That’s easy. Either use original wrapping or Chris Pontius knows a good way—just shut your mouth and don’t swallow.

If I needed to smuggle a bottle of absinthe out of Croatia, how would I go about doing it?

You really want to get me fired from my job, smuggling sperm whales and absinthe. We do have some nice absinthe here, but for the really good booze you need to go to the Czech Republic or France. Maybe I can organize the forwarding of the stuff and add the lard crumpets to the shipment.

Do you have any words of advice for Greg Wolf?

Make sure he maintains the love rug on his chest. A good shampoo and conditioner will do wonders for him.

Describe Dave England in exactly 25 words.

I would say, please send him over to me and in one month you will have a lovely essay about him, so help me God!

So this is gettin’ outta control. Someone sent me a link to the WWE RAW show last night and the “Great” Khali is calling me out. Looks like somebody is a little infatuated with ol’ Knoxville. Un-fucking-believable. Have you seen this guy? It’s like they shaved down Chewbacca and put him in wrestling tights. He kinda sounds like Chewbacca, too. I guess that’s why they have that little Puerto Rican translator beside him “translating” what Khali groans and mumbles. That translator speaks about as much Indian as I do. Anyway, I am getting a little sidetracked with this shit. I am not someone who watches a lot of wrestling, but let me say I FUCKING HATE bullies. And for a 7-foot 3-inch (we know what the 3-inches represent) wookie to call out a 6-foot me on national TV over a stupid fucking interview that makes me irrationally mad. I say irrationally because I know it’s wrestling and it shouldn’t make me mad, but I can’t help the way I’m feeling. If this dude wants to start a war with me, then good. I just want to let you know, Khali, I don’t fight the way the other fellas fight. I am at a great disadvantage in the ring, but outside of the ring you’re mine.

Sincerely, Knoxville

The now infamous interview and question that irked the Great Khali:

one bourbon, one scotch and one beer - the great khali

I’ve been friends with the Captain and Casey for years now. Great guys. And their TV show on Fuel Network, The Captain and Casey Show, is the longest running skateboard TV show in history. (more…)

Well, it’s been over a month since I wrote Southwest Airlines, but they finally responded. And while Mr. Espinoza composed a very polite response, it’s essentially a very long winded way of saying, “Yeah, we got your letter and we read it.” He “recognizes” my frustration, but offers no solutions. Worst of all, I didn’t get dick. Usually they throw in some free drink tickets or something. Nope. Nothing. Stingy bastards.

Still, I take some satisfaction from the fact that this guy not only had to read my big, dumb, long letter, but he also had sit down and write his own big, dumb, long letter. HA! I showed them! Fucking fuckers.

From the overall coloring of his urine it’s safe to say that Dave England is a very well hydrated individual. Well, it’s either that or he hasn’t been getting enough raw vitamin content in his food. Whatever the case, Dave successfully chugged a near 32 fluid ounces of his own pee. He also managed to hold down all 100-percent of it, while several others around him—mainly Johnny Knoxville—were having a hard time keeping the contents of their own stomach in check.

(photo by Sean Cliver; Hollywood, CA; 2008)

So here it is, the third installment of the art review show. I’ve been following Corey Smith’s art for years. I’m always inspired by it and intrigued by his smart and ironic observations on society. It’s like looking at what you’re too chicken-shit to say sometimes (well, for me it is, anyway). It’s funny how when you kind of know somebody, you let your guard down a bit more, and then you fuck up. So, during the interview, I kind of looked like an idiot. There were a few awkward pauses with a lack of intelligent questions, but all in all I think it turned out rad. Needless to say, I’m a big fan, and next time I’ll hopefully be more prepared. Oh, and we also get to feature some rad music by The Deadly Syndrome in this piece (thanks to Crash). Look forward to an artist review on them in the near future. I hear they’re recording soon, so we’re going to go play on the streets of LA and film something. —Lauren Graham

Their father they noticed was running through backyards as they watched. The kids changed the channel just in time; there were no more boobies: the boobie show had been turned off in the knick of time. This incident was not the first in America of its kind. It had been happening for a while: parents that were trying to raise unboobie children.

I was raised in the same respect. No boobie shows for you, just corn; not that damned Cinemax. But I wanted to be a boobie boy, and I managed to collect a cache of magazines, though the boobies did not move like on the TV or in the realm of real boobies.

I like to make collages of boobies and I like to look at boobies hidden by cloth at social events where I am a real winner. People sometimes think I am odd, but it is just because I don’t talk because I am thinking about boobies all the time. They come in lots of colors and someday I hope to put my face into orange ones. That would be a lucky day.

I have altered my path towards the boobies only to find out that I have a headache and that I should have sucked on those things a bit more. For now I will subscribe to your interests and reenact this American way of thinking where boobies are bad and I have been raised accordingly.

Jeff, for some goddamn fucking reason, wants to learn how to fuckin’ cuss in other fucking languages. So which asshole here did he decide to pick to fucking go out and do this shit? This cunt right here. I fucking hated every goddamn dicksucking minute of this shithole assignment. It sucked your mom’s cock, you bitch fucker. Go buttfuck your dad in the mouth, while you’re at it ye bastard. PISS! So, fuck, yeah, and guess motherfucking what poopy butt? THAI PEOPLE DON’T FUCKING CUSS! Little shits. Bunch of fuckwits. Little Buddhist pussies. “Hello,” apparent-fucking-ly is as bad as it gets in that dinky little back alley of a fuckin’ country. Fuck you, fuck me, and fuck Thailand. Cocks.

Steve-O announced on jackassworld live last night that he was considering a knuckle makeover. Currently the words “SHIT” and “FUCK” are indelibly inked upon the hallowed “OZZY” spot, but he would like to alter the existing letters into something not so profane. (We had to do this very thing for Wildboyz all the time, albeit with a Sharpie, just so the editors wouldn’t have to waste any more time than need be on blurring his knuckles out on each and every segment (well, that and just not have to hear Seth—I mean, them complain any more than usual.) So, for instance, with a few simple and semi-awkward tweaks “SHIT” becomes “BAIT” and “FUCK” becomes “BOOK.” See how it works? Good. Now take this photo and put your bootlegged Photoshop programs to work. Upload your visual suggestions for Steve-O here. And no, this is not a contest. It’s more like another jackassworld “arts and crafts” project. But who knows, maybe Steve-O will see something he likes here and take it straight to the parlor. That would be something to write home about now wouldn’t it?

upload submissions to the “steve-o’s knuckle tattoos” category