jackassworld

“if that’s priority number one…”
—trip taylor, after witnessing a jackassworld meeting about making a “wolfie noodles” shirt

“that’s a given.”
—handsome jack, when asked how he got his name

“it’s not gay when there’s still denim between bros.”
—wee man, while demonstrating his stand-up technique on chris pontius

“i won’t watch that. i’m afraid i’ll become a lesbian.”
—shanna zablow, regarding the olympic women’s volleyball matches

“i’m still there. ask me when i’m back.”
—dimitry elyashkevich, when asked how his whirlwind trip to china went on the gumball rally

“i told him he looks like his face caught on fire and then someone tried to put it out with a fork!”
—natasha t., a community member, regarding the idiot shanna met on match.com

“in scotland we tend to keep our bushes nicely trimmed or bare. the ’70s look is just not an option with us. i hope that this helps those of you who haven’t seen a bush since the ’70s.”
—suzi, a community member, after rick kosick disparaged the grooming techniques of scottish women on jackassworld live

“kosick started out as a model for “grizzly” magazine, then became freelance photographer for poweredge and slap skateboarding magazines and built up fame as a skateboard photographer.”
—an excerpt from the wikipedia entry for rick kosick

“i should’ve gotten my tattoo on my butt. nobody would look there.”
—holli, a community member, who just got grounded for her new tattoo

“for some chicks it’s no big deal. for others it’s hell on earth…i can tear somebody apart.”
—chris pontius, live on indie 103.1, talking about butt sex with a caller

“and that would be a ‘walk off’.”
—sean cliver, soon after ex-cameraman mike g. left the “set” because kosick pissed him off at the beginning of the jackassworld live show by telling him to stop messing with the camera because it was a “lock off” shot

“i just bought him a camera, i’m not gonna buy him a hooker, too.”
—rick kosick, on taking earl parker to las vegas on assignment

“you got a week’s worth of footage out of my sorry ass.”
—greg wolf

“good thing you don’t have any merchandising deals because you really could’ve made some money.”
—rick kosick to greg wolf, regarding his recent exposure on jackassworld

“why, is cliver giving you shit again?”
—mrs. schmidt, when asked by her daughter amanda where the dictionary was

“she’s halfway to a sad panda.”
—seth casriel regarding katie89’s new member photo

“my five-year-old wants to do ‘wildkidz’ and run around in a thong covered in mud.”
—greg barbera, after letting his son watch wildboyz for the first time

“is it sad i have ehren on google alerts?”
—dania, a community member

“oh my god, he has the most perfect cock!”
—shanna’s blind date this past week about chris pontius

“i got a lot of new friend requests from san francisco because of that ‘photo of the day,’ so thanks a lot for that.”
—mike kassak, referring to the photo of the day with scott manning in which knoxville identified him, scott, and chris pontius as all having larger than normal doobers

“nothing is earl’s scene.”
—dave carnie, when johnny knoxville said the gumball rally wasn’t necessarily earl parker’s scene

“did a lightbulb get stuck in his buttzville?”
—sam, a community member, upon hearing that something happened to greg wolf and he had to go to the hospital

“they broke the mold before they made him.”
—josh lingenfelter, regarding greg wolf and his most recent dislocated shoulder incident

“they made him on god’s day off.”
—seth casriel, regarding greg wolf and his most recent dislocated shoulder incident

“be nice to him, he’s not just wolfie, he’s my wolfie.”
—mrs. wolf, regarding wolfie

“that thing creeps me out. i can’t pee next to it.”
—jonathan shwartz, while peeing in the men’s room stall, about the mumbling elk when it hung above the urinals

“he’s 72 hours sober!”
—shanna zablow, regarding dimitry elyashkevich this past week

“let’s P the T.”
—jeff tremaine, overheard on the phone talking about his upcoming dungeons & dragons for jocks, a/k/a fantasy football, season

“i’m making a new rule: we can’t just call ‘quote’ out whenever i say something.”
—rick kosick

“fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you…”
—josh lingenfelter to kosick, during an argument (they have since made up)

“you look blacker today.”
—shanna zablow to clyde singleton

“that’s almost like watching child pornography.”
—mike g., watching holli’s “awoooooooo!”

“i haven’t seen this many priests in one place outside of a bondage club.”
—mister merlin, commenting on a recent casting session he went to for the part of a priest

“how can someone so nice be so horrible?”
—derek freda, regarding mister merlin

“my wife’s like, ‘what the fuck is your problem, why are you so obsessed with jackass’—oh shit, i just scratched this table! she’s gonna kill me…”
—mr. wine, while opening his prize-winning box from jackassworld on video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNybwIslayU

“how can you not love that rape face?!”
—dania, a community member, regarding ehren’s appearance on the purple pony chronicles

“some people call that fat.”
—greg wolf, after earl parker described jeff tremaine as being “kind of built”

“rick’s getting angry—i mean, ready for his show.”
—seth casriel, explaining the pre-show “-ish” to community members

“you probably couldn’t pay me to wear depends.”
—mike g., the one person in the room for the jackassworld live depends party not wearing a diaper

“it’s good these guys enjoyed the adult diapers. they’ll have to start wearing them on a daily basis quite soon.”
—holli, a community member, regarding the recent depends party on jackassworld live

“everything makes you a sad panda, so why don’t you just grab a giant sad dildo and stick it up into your sad panda ass…go fuck yourself, idiot!”
—laurien, a community member, to the infamous sad panda

“i really like the idea of two guys goin’ at it.”
—johnny knoxville, regarding two guys “goin’ at it” in a new adobe application we’ll be using on the site

“if he’s gonna say funny things then you better write them down so he can say them.”
—jeff tremaine, regarding ehren mcghehey saying funny things in the above mentioned adobe application

“we’ve got to get the A over the B to make this thing work!”
—rick kosick, discussing his strategies for jackassworld

“can we make a documentary about rick? he’s an astounding specimen.”
—dave carnie, after the surprise “getting with the program, pt. 2” incident with kosick

“i love jackassworld. the education i get on here is way better than anything i learned at school.”
—suzi, a community member

“don’t be one of those guys that listens to the loudmouth.”
—jeff tremaine to world champion jiu-jitsu artist bryce karasawa, as knoxville was trying to get bryce to choke jeff out

“you can’t stifle the magic, mike. rule number one.”
—rick kosick, giving mike g. acting tips

“you don’t make cum jokes when you’re opening mail from 12-year-olds.”
—mike g., pissed off at josh

“if you’re not rolling and rocking then you’re not rocking and rolling.”
—jxpx blackmon, after performing around los angeles on a flatbed truck with the virginia city revival

“he’s the best thing to happen to this site…next to you knoxville.”
—rick kosick, referring to eddie barbanell while simultaneously kissing johnny knoxville’s ass after narrowly dodging a boxing match with him

“fine, i’m taking my midget back!”
—jeff tremaine, after wee man didn’t win the top spot on celebrity circus

“what throws you off is his shape…he’s so little, but he can’t help that.”
—dave england’s mom, regarding wee man on celebrity circus

“anything can happen in the month of july. for example, one time on the 16th of july, 1974, one christopher andrew pontius was born. offended by the foul stench of his own mother’s vagina, the child refused to make his way down the birth canal and even tried to hang himself by his own umbilical cord. an emergency c-section was performed, leaving the mother with a scar on her tummy to remind her to wash more thoroughly and more often!”
—chris pontius, in an email to jeff tremaine

“i’m here to do a benefit for the liquor store back home. they’re going out of business now that i’m sober.”
—roger alan wade

“being sober sure complicates things, don’t it?”
—roger alan wade, on doing a “one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer” segment with knoxville

“thank god someone else is getting a quote besides me.”
—rick kosick, regarding roger alan wade being quoted in the office

“if i puff out my belly, i can’t see my balls.”
—steve-o

“not to pat myself on the back or anything, but the show would not be better without me.”
—wee man, talking about his integral role on nbc’s celebrity circus

“do i look like the kind of man that needs cotton candy?”
—rick kosick, on why he declined circus-themed snacks at a recent celebrity circus taping

“it’s in the ‘fridge, isn’t it?”
—earl parker, when asked why he was drinking a beer at 11:00 am

“just showing up for work!”
—preston lacy, with an 18-pack of beer at noon on a monday

“you’re killing the mailbag segments. do you secretly take acting lessons? no one would know that you are really an angry dick.”
—derek freda to mike g.

“do you think i am retarded? the people in my building say i am.”
—earl parker

“can i poke someone on spacebook or whatever it is?”
—johnny knoxville, during a meeting about some potential jackassworld applications for facebook

“let’s just say don’t throw the ball to sean because he’s not going to make a touchdown.”
—rick kosick, after sean cliver leant him a camera with a half-charged battery before a photo shoot

“dave, if you use this don’t have a lame picture of me.”
—earl parker, in an email to carnie regarding an attached story

“what used to be the guy’s nose fascinates me. it’s like a duck bill. without the bill. or the duck.”
—derek freda, regarding the moe the chimp’s owner

“what kind of penis are you looking for?”
—sean cliver to rick kosick, after he requested some dick drawings for a game on jackassworld live

“hey, make sure those dicks are bigger.”
—rick kosick, after seeing some small dick drawings

“it’s not about the size, rick.”
—gio, our accountant, after kosick determined that a much bigger dick was needed for jeff tremaine’s mouth

“if that’s not bottom, what is?”
—derek freda, regarding dimitry elyashkevich in the “russian sunset”

“i can’t do that, i’m the face of joplin radio!”
—big ben mccarty, a local joplin, missouri, radio dj, when preston lacy asked him if he would have sex with a female donkey, a/k/a jenny, in a spin on the legendary mexican stage performance known as the “donkey show”

“anything you can do with your penis is great fun.”
—chris pontius, on the purple pony show

“why do men cheat on their girlfriends? because it’s fun! just kidding…”
—chris pontius, on the purple pony show

“there wasn’t a dry seat in the house.”
—seth casriel, following chris’s purple pony show

“i think my cat needs to be attended to after that show!”
—suzi, a jackassworld community member, following chris’s purple pony show

“i got banned before all of these people, then i took over the chat room and contributed to its demise, then i made a new account and was featured on the front page. that was all in one week. so it just shows how new you are, you stupid sack of shit. you will never achieve any such greatness.”
—balsac to the king of jaw, in a random topic on banned community members

“i’m gonna do it. i ain’t afraid. fuck, i wore a diaper in a goddamn movie.”
—rick kosick, after greg wolf expressed some hesitancy on taking his shirt off during the jackassworld live show

“i don’t want to brag, but i typed in ‘american grizzly’ on google images and look what came up on the first page—me! now that’s makin’ it!”
—johnny knoxville

“in a couple of months i’m going to be all green and skinny.”
—rick kosick, when asked if he rode his bike into work on monday

“you know you’re in trouble when knoxville is giving you a geography lesson.”
—dimitry elyashkevich, while preparing to film the new jackassworld weather report

“buttzville.”
—eddie barbanell, while looking at greg wolf’s butt as he clicked the slate for the jackassworld weather report

“he’s got his own jew now, he’s excited.”
—seth casriel, after eddie barbanell asked him to be his new agent

“my mom’s too offensive for jackassworld.”
—katie, a jackassworld community member, after another member persuaded her own parents to sign up on the site

“rick kosick.”
—rick kosick, after someone asked, “were there any celebrities at the art show last night?”

“people should have dollar signs instead of heads.”
—earl parker, in a text message to mark lewman