jackassworld

“on a good night i go through two bags.”
—mister merlin, regarding the gummi bear treats he gives out to good little submissives

“he’s like the scientology of S&M!”
—rick kosick, regarding mister merlin

“me and dimitry, we don’t like to indulge around the office.”
—johnny knoxville, while drinking a warm-up beer for his “one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer” program

“i’ve had your balls draped all over my body.”
—jeff tremaine to johnny knoxville

“to even talk to him I had to play blackjack.”
—barry smoler, a field producer, on working with dimitry elyashkevich in las vegas

“i’m pretty sure robert smith is the ehren mcghehey of the community.”
—seth casriel

“greg, do you think the owner of viacom would adopt me?”
—earl parker to greg wolf

“i don’t know if it’s much of a cliffhanger—i mean, it ain’t exactly the wire.”
—johnny knoxville, giving rick kosick creative notes on a jackassworld road trip cut

“i hope we get a marciano translator button with these updates.”
—robert smith of the cure, regarding italian community member marciano

“hey, i’m 12. i can eat a ding dong.”
—madison, when derek was giving her crap about eating the crap in our office kitchen

“ew. it does stink in here. it smells like a baby diaper.”
—priya, director of dickhouse development, walking into the jackassworld offices one morning

“i like the smell of jeff’s farts like i like the smell of my own.”
—chris pontius

“you laugh now but this guy is gonna be governor in ten years.”
—seth casriel, about the great khali’s speaking ability

“hey rick, i thought mike was already pretty relaxed when you told him to relax.”
—chris pontius to a semi-argumentative rick kosick, during a meeting about the road trip

“that idiot ehren is already pissing me off.”
—chris pontius, the morning of the road trip before we’d even left the office

“i’m gonna make a new rule—you’re not allowed to talk to me until after noon.”
—preston lacy to ehren mcghehey, the second day of the road trip

“those people fucking reek of church.”
—mike kassak, observing some people on the street

“the russian QA team found some colorful russian phrases on the jackassworld community landing page. their concern was that these phrases had snuck in as part of the work that we’re doing around language localization.”
—a recent communiqué from the flux development team

“we’re at the internet/rehab state of our career.”
—chris pontius

“he’s got dick problems.”
—dimitry elyashkevich to some random kid, when asked why johnny knoxville wasn’t on the road trip

“i’m the penis to ehren’s vagina.”
—katie89, a community member

“okay, i legitimately fucked that one up.”
—mike g., after running a red light and endangering the lives of sean cliver, dimitry elyashkevich, mike kassak, and scott manning on the road trip

“that’s not a park, that’s a fucking prison.”
—mike kassak, about the new lake cunningham skate park in san jose, california

“i don’t have to hurt myself, all i have to do is dress for work!”
—greg wolf, on his natural ability to produce content for the site

“you know what makes people happy around here? making fun of cripples—mental and physical.”
—dimitry elyashkevich

“funny thing about octogenarians is that they really don’t care about STDs.”
—jeff tremaine

“how am i supposed to go to the emmys party this weekend?! i’ll look stupid!”
—greg wolf, regarding the penis wee man drew on his arm sling

“yeah, it’s not like it was silly string.”
—derek freda, when rick kosick was berating wolfie about being pissed about his arm sling getting drawn on

“is it a real lawsuit or a fantasy lawsuit?”
—dave carnie, when mike g. was talking about a fantasy football-related lawsuit between the NFL players association and CBS

“okay, so i am a little over weight, but i am big boned by nature.”
—jeff tremaine, after drinking an 8-ounce glass of tequila at dinner

“i’m just not used to being out much.”
—johnny knoxville, after being caught digging in his pants during a meeting

“can’t someone do cliff notes on this for me?”
—jeff tremaine, big time hollywood producer, complaining about reading a page and a half of notes

“god, why does it smell like such a butt in here?”
—jeff tremaine, walking into the jackassworld offices on thursday afternoon

“speaking of pee, i smelled yours last night when i was watching tv on  my couch.”
—bill weiss to clyde singleton

“can’t say there aren’t many couches i haven’t blessed with thou holy water.”
—clyde singleton, responding to bill weiss

“i need to learn how to pitch instead of catch.”
—greg wolf

“we could spray silly string on him? based on rick’s reaction this afternoon, that might be the worst thing you can do to another human being.”
—dave carnie, when asked by johnny knoxville what bad kind of things we could do to jeff tremaine on his birthday

“jeff makes some really convincing gay faces when you stick a dick in him!”
—mat hoffman, in regard to the artwork for jeff tremaine’s car wrap that johnny knoxville made for him

“at first it was funny, but after about three hours i had some moral stirrings in my soul.”
—will etling, regarding his having to photochop jeff tremaine’s face on dozens of hardcore gay bondage photos

“those are the sloppiest, saggiest boobs i’ve ever seen on a dude.”
—jeff tremaine, regarding a dude with sloppy, saggy boobs in a restaurant

“i feel my risotto coming back up.”
—lauren, a community member, looking at the photo of the day featuring jeff tremaine in his birthday suit

“oh my god, there’s stuff in here that i wish I could just unsee but i just can’t stop looking.”
—jonathan schwartz, looking at the stockroom catalogs given to us by mister merlin

“I’m the only girl around here who likes to eat shit!”
—gio, our soon-to-be-ex-accountant, taken severely out of context

“you should really explain my eating shit really means eating the good kind of shit! or maybe it’s bad shit?  but good shit to me? oh never mind, it’s all shit at the end!”
—gio, our soon-to-be-ex-accountant, trying to explain her quote above

“hey, i don’t know who this is or this email. plus, take me off this cocksucking email list. email lists are gay. not two dudes gay, just gay.”
—wee man, in response to a mass-email sent by ehren mcghehey regarding a new email address

“if jackassworld was the titanic, he’d be the anchor.”
—seth casriel, regarding dimitry elyashkevich

“how did she know what you were gonna be wearing today?”
—jxpx blackmon to loomis fall, after opening his brand new portrait by sarah green

“hey, you wanna come watch me do my catheter?”
—johnny knoxville to chris pontius

“that was gnarly. i don’t want to hear anyone complain about being buttfucked anymore.”
—chris pontius, after watching johnny knoxville administer his catheter

“we can’t all be lucky. not all of us can sit around and write about poop all day and get paid for it.”
—katie89, a community member, in response to caityjane’s complaining about having to return to school

“i have a lot of people to beat up tonight; i’ve gotta pace myself.”
—mister merlin to johnny knoxville, during a rest break while helping their friend move

“video game boy? at least I sweat playing video games.”
—dimitry elyashkevich, in a retort to greg wolf who was trying to defend his playing fantasy football

“i’m Italian, but i’m not a member of the mafia and i don’t speak english but i understand the language enough to use words like shit, pussy, cock, turd, bitch and other important words…can you help me to enter in the clan jackass?”
—a random message from “your mother,” a community member

“i haven’t seen a muff like that since 1978 when i took a bath with my mom!”
—chris pontius

“do you think if i were to put a banana in my arse right now, josh would eat it?”
—emma, a community member

“epitome of the degradation of human society and…the gene pool. somehow ‘survival of the fittest’ doesn’t apply with these jokers. some mutants must be breeding to produce these skumbags…and the worst of it is…they never injure themselves enough to…well…’kick it.’ but… because i cringed so much and actually laughed at most of it… i still enjoyed it… i suppose. it got two stars instead of one.”
—swesleyc7, in a review of jackass 2.5 on hulu.com

“you’re the dave carnie of jake phelpses.”
—dimitry elyashkevich, regarding something about carnie, skateboarding, interviews, and jake phelps

“the rainbows have gotta come down.”
—rick kosick, regarding the use of rainbow iconography on the website and the supposedly daunting effects it has on male visitors

“that was funny. and crazy rick don’t take up my crazy please.”
—crazyemily, a community member, about crazy kosick in the silly string incident

“bam must have been a victim of this.”
—kirra, a community member, regarding the possibility of african penis thieves taking bam’s penis prior to his boarding the gumball plane to china

“if that’s priority number one…”
—trip taylor, after witnessing a jackassworld meeting about making a “wolfie noodles” shirt

“that’s a given.”
—handsome jack, when asked how he got his name

“it’s not gay when there’s still denim between bros.”
—wee man, while demonstrating his stand-up technique on chris pontius

“i won’t watch that. i’m afraid i’ll become a lesbian.”
—shanna zablow, regarding the olympic women’s volleyball matches

“i’m still there. ask me when i’m back.”
—dimitry elyashkevich, when asked how his whirlwind trip to china went on the gumball rally

“i told him he looks like his face caught on fire and then someone tried to put it out with a fork!”
—natasha t., a community member, regarding the idiot shanna met on match.com

“in scotland we tend to keep our bushes nicely trimmed or bare. the ’70s look is just not an option with us. i hope that this helps those of you who haven’t seen a bush since the ’70s.”
—suzi, a community member, after rick kosick disparaged the grooming techniques of scottish women on jackassworld live

“kosick started out as a model for “grizzly” magazine, then became freelance photographer for poweredge and slap skateboarding magazines and built up fame as a skateboard photographer.”
—an excerpt from the wikipedia entry for rick kosick

“i should’ve gotten my tattoo on my butt. nobody would look there.”
—holli, a community member, who just got grounded for her new tattoo

“for some chicks it’s no big deal. for others it’s hell on earth…i can tear somebody apart.”
—chris pontius, live on indie 103.1, talking about butt sex with a caller

“and that would be a ‘walk off’.”
—sean cliver, soon after ex-cameraman mike g. left the “set” because kosick pissed him off at the beginning of the jackassworld live show by telling him to stop messing with the camera because it was a “lock off” shot

“i just bought him a camera, i’m not gonna buy him a hooker, too.”
—rick kosick, on taking earl parker to las vegas on assignment

“you got a week’s worth of footage out of my sorry ass.”
—greg wolf

“good thing you don’t have any merchandising deals because you really could’ve made some money.”
—rick kosick to greg wolf, regarding his recent exposure on jackassworld

“why, is cliver giving you shit again?”
—mrs. schmidt, when asked by her daughter amanda where the dictionary was

“she’s halfway to a sad panda.”
—seth casriel regarding katie89’s new member photo

“my five-year-old wants to do ‘wildkidz’ and run around in a thong covered in mud.”
—greg barbera, after letting his son watch wildboyz for the first time

“is it sad i have ehren on google alerts?”
—dania, a community member

“oh my god, he has the most perfect cock!”
—shanna’s blind date this past week about chris pontius

“i got a lot of new friend requests from san francisco because of that ‘photo of the day,’ so thanks a lot for that.”
—mike kassak, referring to the photo of the day with scott manning in which knoxville identified him, scott, and chris pontius as all having larger than normal doobers

“nothing is earl’s scene.”
—dave carnie, when johnny knoxville said the gumball rally wasn’t necessarily earl parker’s scene

“did a lightbulb get stuck in his buttzville?”
—sam, a community member, upon hearing that something happened to greg wolf and he had to go to the hospital

“they broke the mold before they made him.”
—josh lingenfelter, regarding greg wolf and his most recent dislocated shoulder incident

“they made him on god’s day off.”
—seth casriel, regarding greg wolf and his most recent dislocated shoulder incident

“be nice to him, he’s not just wolfie, he’s my wolfie.”
—mrs. wolf, regarding wolfie

“that thing creeps me out. i can’t pee next to it.”
—jonathan shwartz, while peeing in the men’s room stall, about the mumbling elk when it hung above the urinals

“he’s 72 hours sober!”
—shanna zablow, regarding dimitry elyashkevich this past week

“let’s P the T.”
—jeff tremaine, overheard on the phone talking about his upcoming dungeons & dragons for jocks, a/k/a fantasy football, season

“i’m making a new rule: we can’t just call ‘quote’ out whenever i say something.”
—rick kosick

“fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you…”
—josh lingenfelter to kosick, during an argument (they have since made up)

“you look blacker today.”
—shanna zablow to clyde singleton

“that’s almost like watching child pornography.”
—mike g., watching holli’s “awoooooooo!”

“i haven’t seen this many priests in one place outside of a bondage club.”
—mister merlin, commenting on a recent casting session he went to for the part of a priest

“how can someone so nice be so horrible?”
—derek freda, regarding mister merlin

“my wife’s like, ‘what the fuck is your problem, why are you so obsessed with jackass’—oh shit, i just scratched this table! she’s gonna kill me…”
—mr. wine, while opening his prize-winning box from jackassworld on video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNybwIslayU

“how can you not love that rape face?!”
—dania, a community member, regarding ehren’s appearance on the purple pony chronicles