jackassworld

Part 10

Part 11

I’m sorry to say, you have greatly disappointed us. Our new, weird, web software is giving us back numbers that, when decoded (with the decoder ring we have and nobody else has), tell us what you’ve been doing, and, apparently, you haven’t been doing what we asked you to do: watching these Wildboyz Over and Out pieces. Instead you’ve been doing stuff like opening and closing your curtains, stealing napkins from Del Taco, emptying the flower pots out back that are filled with rain water, reading the scouting reports for your fantasy football picks, cleaning the cat litter box (stop using your hands—or at least wash them before you go to the bathroom—but it’s time to invest in a poop scoop), fishing off the end of the pier with those drunk Chinese fellas, smoking pot in the shower, in fact you’re showering a lot lately, taking pictures of the television at the airport bar, talking to your cat in fake-German when you’re home alone, switching the plugs around, rearranging the coffee mugs in the cupboard, [CENSORED], eBaying ferrets, catching up on all that Chaucer you never read, wondering whether your dog’s anal glands need cleaning, checking your bank account to see if you can pay for an anal gland cleaning, performing home anal gland cleanings by yourself, pulling nails out of 2×4s, studying the behavior of ants, experimenting with bay leaves, cinnamon, vinegar and other household ingredients in regards to your ant problem, writing frightening verse to a buck toothed girl in Luxembourg, patching the garden hose, collecting your urine in mason jars, arranging your jars of urine by color on the southern wall of your garage, asking your friends and family to send you their phone numbers (again!) because this time you lost your phone at the after-work party at Dave & Busters last Friday, changing the order in which you dress every morning, picking the pubes off the mammal soap, shopping for belts on Craig’s List, admiring the smell of your own farts, throwing out your ex-girlfriend’s incense, watching BBC News and trying to understand the rules of cricket, adding your own personal touch to your memories of mediocrity and failure, frosting your tips, scolding your socks, and stalking your ex-girlfriend. Tsk tsk. Needless to say, we are still very, very, very disappointed in you.