jackassworld

Following my sincere Canadarantings yesterday, I thought it best to address another great historical black eye in its history: The theft of its rightful oil-rich lands bordering the Pacific Ocean. I am, of course, referring to Alaska, one of only two states that are not a contiguous part of America, land of the brave, home of the free. But hey, that’s what a little foresight will do for a country, you know. Snooze you lose, and so on and so forth. We can’t help it if y’all were too busy playing mounties with the moose in the woods or drunkenly stumbling across the Northwest Territories in pursuit of the great reindeer migrations thinking they would lead you to Santa’s doorstep and an ever-loving goldmine of toys, toys, toys! And elves … don’t forget the elves. But who can blame you, really. We have our issues, too, first and foremost an extremely queer obsession with fame, celebrity, and color-coded Homeland Security threat levels. Want to save the world? Like really save the world? Stop paying attention to TMZ. Boycott People and US magazines. Don’t give a good goddamn what Amtrak mess Britney Spears or any of her carbon copy ilk have gotten themselves into this week. Because what words of wisdom did Bill Murray dispense to Christopher Makepeace and all the other underdogs in the summer camp classic Meatballs (1979)? “It just doesn’t matter.” Say it with me. “It just doesn’t matter … it just doesn’t matter … IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER!” But by god what does matter is that you don’t forget to reserve your ticket to see jackass 3D, coming October 15th, 2010, to a digitally-revolutionized theater near you! Power to the people!

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