jackassworld

Hey Khali, I noticed you and that little Puerto Rican have been running the “kiss-cam” this week on TV. Well, here is my submission for the next one. But that’s if and only if you or that sawed-off Filipino of yours is doing the kissin’. I saw what you did to that poor Rubenesque girl from the audience on Friday night during the kiss-cam. Making fun of her because she has a Victorian figure… I was appalled. She didn’t make fun of you for lookin’ like a gorilla, or Rin Tin Tin for lookin’ like a midget, did she? No, she did not. That’s because she has class, and all you got is an appointment for a butt whippin’ on Monday, October 13th. So there.

Sincerely,

Knoxville

So you know the book Where’s Waldo where you have to find Waldo on every page? Well, today’s photo of the day is kinda like that except instead of locating Waldo you have to find the “big sissy” in this picture. One hint, it’s not the gorgeous guy holding the sign. I don’t want to help you any more than that, though, because I know our jackassworld members love a challenge. I love a challenge as well. It’s just too bad I won’t have one this Monday night on Raw.

Sincerely,

The South Knoxville Strong Boy

So here is me arriving on the scene of this horrible (but true) act of delinquency. Rick Kosick informed me that the hooligan who did this fled the scene stinking of booze, clutching his back, and shouting anti-Khali propaganda to all within earshot. Too bad I will never get to meet this man to shake his hand, slap his back, and offer to get him into some remedial spelling program. (Yes, it seems our comrade not only misspelled the Great Khali’s name but also “wee wee.”) Oh well, guts and brains don’t always go hand in hand. If you want to see video footage of our hero in action go here. Woo-hoo! —Johnny Knoxvilleee

So some yahoo called the office late last night and said they were going to graffiti something about the Great Khali above some construction site sidewalk this morning. Well, I didn’t get there in time to see them doing it, but we did have a cameraman there to film the miscreant in action. I gotta tell you, the nut who did it wasn’t the sharpest toothpick in the box. He misspelled the Great Khali’s name and the word “wee wee.” How in the shit do you misspell the word wee wee? That is a McGhehey-esque style error. Oh well, spelling aside, I completely applaud our hero’s effort and message. With this kind of grassroots support I feel like I could whip Godzilla—and on Monday night I just may!

Sincerely,

Johnny “ass-kickin’” Knoxville

So this is gettin’ outta control. Someone sent me a link to the WWE RAW show last night and the “Great” Khali is calling me out. Looks like somebody is a little infatuated with ol’ Knoxville. Un-fucking-believable. Have you seen this guy? It’s like they shaved down Chewbacca and put him in wrestling tights. He kinda sounds like Chewbacca, too. I guess that’s why they have that little Puerto Rican translator beside him “translating” what Khali groans and mumbles. That translator speaks about as much Indian as I do. Anyway, I am getting a little sidetracked with this shit. I am not someone who watches a lot of wrestling, but let me say I FUCKING HATE bullies. And for a 7-foot 3-inch (we know what the 3-inches represent) wookie to call out a 6-foot me on national TV over a stupid fucking interview that makes me irrationally mad. I say irrationally because I know it’s wrestling and it shouldn’t make me mad, but I can’t help the way I’m feeling. If this dude wants to start a war with me, then good. I just want to let you know, Khali, I don’t fight the way the other fellas fight. I am at a great disadvantage in the ring, but outside of the ring you’re mine.

Sincerely, Knoxville

The now infamous interview and question that irked the Great Khali:

one bourbon, one scotch and one beer - the great khali

So the other day I sat down with the WWE’s Great Khali for a “One Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Beer.” Aside from the time I watched Umaga fight Pontius and Steve-O, I haven’t kept up with professional wrestling since I was little. (By the way, if you haven’t seen Pontius and Steve-O wrestle Umaga then do yourself a favor and check it out online somewhere. Steve-O gets the shit kicked out of him and had to see a doctor afterwards. Heh heh…) Anyway, someone sent me a photo of the Great Khali staring down at Mike Tyson (who was in a mask), and I thought it looked pretty hilarious. The guy is fucking huge, so I thought it might be cool to sit down and interview him for the show. Well, it was pretty cool … for a little bit, anyway. I don’t know if this guy is touchy about the certain area of the body that I asked him about or if he just hated me and simply wanted to leave. Whatever the reason, he bailed about five minutes into the show. For the record, this is the first “One Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Beer” that has ended bad—or good, depending on how you look at it. Heh heh… Anyway, I don’t know who lit the fuse on the Great Khali’s tampon, but here is the shortest show we have ever done.

Sincerely, Knoxville

P.S. After reading the comments below for the Great Khali interview, I agree with some of our community members that maybe the reason for the Great Khali’s bilious reaction has something to do with the blog I wrote about the African penis thieves. Maybe he thought I took or shrunk his tallywhacker. Or maybe he just walked in that way! Anyway, if you haven’t checked out the African penis thieves article, now would be a perfect time.

article- african penis thieves

Sometimes Jeff Tremaine gets mad at me. Sometimes he gets really pissed and others he just gets kinda pissed. Like when we were doing the 24-hour takeover and I wrote “FUCK A DUDE” on the spinning wheel that we used for the “Box of Things That Suck” bit. “Uh, yeah, this is live TV and you just wrote ‘FUCK A DUDE’ on the wheel.” I think my response was, “Yeah so?” to which Jeff replied, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” We have a great shorthand me and Jeff.

Love, Knoxville

(photo by Sean Cliver; New York, NY; 2008)

“Hey Pontius, you gotta have a sip of Preston after me. Man, Preston, I don’t know if you have been doing pilates lately or what, but gee your ass tastes delicious. And wow-dude-bro-man, did you have Tony Roma’s for lunch today or what? Luckily I love their corn!”

Love, Knoxville

(photo by Sean Cliver; Hollywood, CA; 2006)

You remember growing up when people would pinch your snotty little schnozz and go,”I got your nose”? You would jump up and down trying to get it back, but you knew that no one actually had your nose. It was all just playful nose stealin’ fun. Well in some parts of west Africa the same thing is kinda happening with penises, except it ain’t all just playful penis stealin’ fun. It’s serious… sorta. According to Reuters, “Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.” That’s right, witches are stealing dicks. Shrinking them too! (more…)

Okay, I realize this is a little on the juvenile side, but whenever I go into a store and they have a display full of letters sitting on the shelf I usually spell out something clever like “FART.” Then I walk away and giggle that “FART” is now sitting on the shelf in the stationary section. Wanna join in my stupid little game? Whenever you see a display with a bunch of letters sitting out, why don’t you spell out a little word, snap a photo of it, and send it in to us here at jackassworld. Nothing mean, just naughty. We will put it in the community section and then chuckle at the naughty words we just created. This isn’t a contest, mind you, just a little fun amongst friends. I am going to talk to the boys today about doing another contest, though, because they are always so damn fun.

Thank you and love, Knoxville