jackassworld

Toward the later stages of the show there were a few segments that beg some kind of explanation: first and foremost the “Jackass Spermathon,” a randy celebration of juvenile self-absorption at its best. The idea stemmed from my own personal life when my wife signed me up for a test at a fertility clinic prior to our attempts at serious procreation in 2001. Johnny Knoxville was particularly intrigued with my results—which were by no means stellar on any account—and was hellbent on assuring one and all that he truly was the alpha male of our pack.

So, under the guise of our television budget, another round of male ejaculatory tests was set up with a total of five competitive categories:

1)    Sperm Count: The percentage of sperm contained in a single ejaculation.
2)    Speed: The amount of time taken to produce a single ejaculation.
3)    Motility: The percentage of sperm capable of going for the gold.
4)    Volume: The sheer amount of semen in a single ejaculation.
5)    Morphology: The percentage of physically healthy sperm with tails intact and wiggling.

There were a total of eight contestants in all: Johnny Knoxville, Chris Pontius, Preston Lacy, Wee Man, Dimitry Elyashkevich, Rick Kosick, Jeff Tremaine, and myself, but due to time constraints on the segment only six happy finishers made it to the final cut (Tremaine and I were edited out solely on the fact that our sperm was neither here nor there, as were our performances). Unfortunately, the one person that everyone wanted to be in attendance, Steve-O, was out of town during the shoot, so we were unable to scientifically prove everyone’s hopes and dreams for his sterility.

To add a touch of feminine color, Stephanie Hodge was brought in as the “nurse,” which wasn’t really a bad thing considering the last thing you wanted to embellish your memory with was the sight of Wee Man jumping up and down and giggling hysterically as you’re going into the cold confines of the jerk-off chamber. Apparently, this still did little to help matters seeing as the consensus among most all contenders—except Pontius—was that the highly pressured experience was wholly less than self-satisfying. In fact, many likened the act to pummeling a wet noodle into submission.

Most everyone favored Pontius to take home the trophy since he exudes sexual dominance. Odds of “slim to none” were placed on Knoxville due to his weak and highly medicated immune system. Kosick, a darkhorse for sure, surprised all with the highest percentage of squiggling sperm, but his inability to produce a sample in a timely manner enabled Pontius to jack the overall title. All in all, a great day for science was enjoyed by all.

THE FINAL SPERM STATISTICS

Motility
Best: Knoxville had the best movers and shakers, but as it turned out his boys are few and far between so it didn’t really matter in the end.
Worst: Tremaine’s posse dragged ass the hardest with hardly any on the get up and go tip.

Speed
Best: Preston may be from Missouri, but apparently he has the fastest hand in the west.
Worst: Kosick’s nation of millions just didn’t want to leave the house anytime soon.

Volume
Best: Dimitry’s load tipped the scales and then some—maybe the Russians really are onto something with all that pickled and gelatinous food.
Worst: Wee Man has wee sperm.

Morphology
Best: Pontius may beat himself senseless, but at least he’s armed with soldiers of steel.
Worst: Knoxville could fill a short bus with his dilapidated crew.

Sperm Count
Best: Ladies beware, Kosick’s balls are bursting at the seams.
Worst: Again, Wee Man has wee sperm.

Watch the full episode from jackass season 3 here

(all photos by Sean Cliver; Westwood, CA; 2001)