jackassworld

I don’t know what it is about the Jigger Man that people go crazy about. The dude can’t grow a mustache. He copies anything that’s cool. And, furthermore, he gets a pass for biting by saying he’s “paying homage.” Really, breh? “Homage”? Jesus. Anyways. Jigger Man just released his third post-”retirement” album and not only does he come across as insecure as hell (check the track-listing and lyrics”, the Jigger Man has also taken it upon himself to let us know that he’s been brushing up on science with prolific lyrics like, “I’m half-man, half-mammal,” on his newest outing. With that being said, here’s more 3s that are better than BP3. Enjoy. —Clyde Singleton

C-3PO: Didn’t this dude have a brother? Hold on. Was C-3PO a dude? Or was he the Peppermint Patty of the protocol droids? And, while I’m at it, why wasn’t C-3PO gold in Episode II? See, y’all should be lucky there’s imformative n!kkas such as myself that asks the tough questions and bust the dope moves on the in’nuhnets. Anyhow. Back to what I was sayin’. C-3PO is way cooler than Jay-Z or that new album with the fake U2 cover. Deal with it.

“3 is the Magic Number,” by De La Soul: As crazy as it may seem … yes. This one song is better than the entire Jay-Z album. If you don’t think so, I challenge you to go listen to this track and then come back in here and challenge my opinion. I probably won’t be here to answer your li’l retort, but hey, you can at least feel as if you accomplished something. Y’know, sorta like Jay-Z thought he’d ‘accomplished’ something when he dropped “Death of Autotune”.

The Three Amigos: I ain’t even gonna lie. When I saw this movie as a kid I had no idea what the fokk a “amigo” even was. Matter of fact, I didn’t know what a “amigo” was until I moved to California in the mid-’90s. What? I mean, why the fokk would I need to know what an “amigo” is when the only Mexicans I was familiar with was Speedy Gonzales and that dude off Sanford & Son? Oh yeah, Cheech & Chong, too, but I had no idea what the fokk they was even talm ’bout half the time.

Popeyes’ 3pc Meal: Let’s be fa’serious here. What’s better than a 3pc meal from Popeyes? Oh! I know! A 4pc! And furthermore, if hip-hop were chicken Nas would be Popeyes to Jigger Man’s KFC. Think not? Nas, same as Popeyes’ chicken: has direct roots to bluegrass and jazz (Nas’s pops is famed jazz musician Ola Dura). Just like KFC, Jay-Z has a recipe that’s bitten from someone else and has basically gained a lot of popularity using other people’s ideas.

Xbox’s “3 Rings of Death”: If you got a decent enough job to even own one of these things and you go to turn it on one day and you see three flashing rings around the power button … ruh’ rooooh. I think you might have a problem. The imfamous “3 Rings of Death” has dawned upon your source of entertainment and, well, the only thing you can really do is … actually nothing. Just like Shawn Carter can’t do anything about being 40-something and his goatee growing in like misplaced taco meat.

Osiris D3: Yup, I said it. The hands-down ugliest skate shoe in the history of not only skateboarding but footwear as a whole is gooder than BP3. It had more influence on white people. The lines in the stitching were more complex than any quadruple-entendre Jigger Man could ever put together. And furthermore, when the D3 went into “retirement” it stayed there. Can’t same the same for Grey Hova. He don’t know when to sit his ass down and BP3 is a perfect example of why he should.

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