jackassworld

When it comes to diehard jackass fans on the site, I can’t think of anyone more outspoken than The Fire Hair Man. He has a real name, you’ll find it out soon enough, but I must preface this interview by saying that English is not his native (naive?) language. It is in fact Québécois, because he is in fact a Quebecker from Quebec (that’s in Canada, Shanna). But, like 9/10ths of the world’s population, he possesses a rudimentary command of the English language and makes do just fine. Much more so than I could with French, for that matter, aside from saying, “Je m’appelle la merde de canard.”

Who the hell are you, how old are you, and where are you from?

My name’s supposed to be Louis-Philippe. That’s very long and useless and, well, English people tend to fuck it up! So just call me LP or Redhair guy. I’m 16-years-old. I’m from St-Jean sur Richelieu, a little town near Montreal.

How and when did you first find out about jackassworld?

As I remember, I think it was from Steve-O’s Myspace page. I have to be honest, I WAS FUCKING HAPPY that a jackass website was out. I still am honestly!

You claim to have one of the best collections of jackass memorabilia, but do you have the original porta-potty air freshener still in the bag?

I kind of started a collection of jackass stuff two to three years ago. I have tons of cool stuff like the first aid kit and a lamp, but also some dirty Chinese stuff (clock, mouse pad). And about the air freshener, sure I have it! For dorm rooms, boats, and porta-pottys. I’m curious about how it smells. I also have the rainbow one!

Dave England once sold his exclusive jackass the movie cast gift of a jackass director’s chair on eBay for $25.00. Were you the one who bought it?

WHAT?! And he didn’t tell me about this … what a bastard!

Not that I’m personally interested, but does the bottom match the top?

Kind of, to be honest. Not totally red-haired, but I would say a combination of red, blond, and brown. That keeps myself very original. And near my belly button, it’s black. I have a fucking weird body.

My friend Derek says that Canada was settled by fur trapping drunkards and prostitutes, which would kind of make them the unofficial Adams and Eves of all Canadians (kind of like how prison blood runs genealogically deep in Australia). Bullshit or not?

Of course we were settled by fur drunkards. How can you survive in this fuckin’ cold country if you’re not drunk or have fur!

Who would win in a fistfight: the city of Toronto, armed with maple leaf throwing stars and hockey sticks, or the city of Montreal, loaded on red wine with an unlimited supply of french fries?

Montreal people are very social and nice when drunk (you added red wine, that makes it even more pussier!), and they don’t really want to fight. Eating french fries will relax them even more. Meanwhile, Toronto could take their hockey sticks and play hockey with their maple leafs star. Peace is better than war, no?

Is it any coincidence that poutine kinda sounds (and looks) like poopy?

It does? Where the fuck do you buy poutines!?

Will Quebec ever acknowledge, step up, and offer its public apologies to the world for unleashing Celine Dion?

I hope so. That was a total bitch-slap for the entire American nation to send her there. At least you guys are cool with us, you kept Oprah in the States.

Which do you prefer, merde or shit?

Merde is for people from France. In Quebec we can mix things a little bit. I could say, “Criss de shit de tabarnak de fucking marde,” when I’m frustrated at my computer that isn’t able to load a porn video. If you try to traduct this sentence, you’ll not be able to—just learn the fantastic language of Quebec!

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