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I have the bladder of a three-month old puppy. Not only does liquid cut through my digestive system like a Ginsu knife but I’m prone to “lizzing,” as brilliantly termed in a recent episode of 30 Rock, and the second I get the least bit excited my penis starts to tingle with the uncontrollable urge to pee*. While this may seem like a rather odd place to make a personal announcement of such magnitude, it really isn’t. You see, I just can’t sit on a surprise to save my continent life.

For example, I proposed to my wife two weeks earlier than I’d originally planned to—and under somewhat subpar romantic circumstances—simply because I couldn’t keep the damn engagement ring a secret any longer. And not that it’s any of your business, but it’s safe to say that I’m the first and only sweaty person to enter the prestigious Tiffany & Co store in Beverly Hills with a skateboard in hand after wildly misjudging the three-mile distance on a rather sunny and hot Saturday afternoon. No small wonder that security asked me if I needed help with anything long before any of the formal sales people did, but still. Discriminating jerks … made me feel just like Julia Roberts did in Pretty Woman.

“Jesus H. Christ, Cliver,” you say, “What the fuck does all this random personal information have to do with the price of robots in Japan?” Well, I’m not sure, really, but I do know that I shot all these photos for the Hollywood episode of Nitro Circus way back in December of last year and it’s been rather hard not to prematurely leak them out until now—what a relief.

* I’d like to refer to this condition as “Premature Male Spotting,” but unfortunately that acronym is already taken.

(all photos by Sean Cliver; 2008)

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