jackassworld

On Friday morning I walked into work, flipped open my laptop, and noticed straight away that something was amiss on the website. Call it a sixth sense for the jackassworld community, but something smelled rotten in Denmark—or Scotland, in this instance—and my suspicions were forthrightly confirmed right there in the discussion forums under the topic heading: “Friday 27th, March, Declared a State of Suck It, Cliver.” I’ve always entertained a rather “tough love” relationship with the community here, and I have to say my heart swelled with pride to see ‘em all flex their power to “Suck It” right back en masse. The ringleader, as it turned out, was Emma, a repeat community offender in most every way imaginable, so I thought I’d repay her in kind. Worthy of note, this was the first interview that I actually had to edit a hair, because if there’s one thing Emma’s known for it’s sure not censoring herself (trust me, you, the reader, really didn’t want to get this graphic with Jeff Tremaine).

Who are you, how old are you, and where are you from?

My name is Emma. You can call me Em, Emz, Ems, EmLou, bitch, slapper, slag, dickhead, arsehole, fatty, wanker—I answer to just about anything. I’m 25-years-old, but I am about to turn 26 on April Fool’s Day. Yes, April 1st. And to answer any questions, I was born before mid-day, so yes, I am a fool. That’s my excuse for everything. If I never had that, what would I say? Nothing to back it up. I live in Scotland. Yes, I am Scottish. I live near the water in Inverclyde. Does that mean I wash on a daily basis? No, does not mean that at all. It’s just a wee toon wur the boats come in and park. They live here on a weekly basis, ya ken?

How did you first find out about jackassworld?

Do you want the honest truth or a lie? I will answer for you the truth. Okay, I was looking for pictures to perv on Jeff Tremaine. You see, I added him to my spank-bank a few years back—but I will not go into that on this question as I see below there are questions about it. I typed in Jeff Tremaine into Google and there was this mad wee line that said “www.jackassworld.com.” I clicked it and it said the site was not yet open, would I like to receive an email when it is ready? I was all excited, ya ken? I got the email and nearly came in me knickers when I saw that Jeff had a profile there.

How many times have you joined the jackassworld community now?

You ken what I have forgotten how many times I have joined. I have had, um … lemme count it out with ya: Emma from Scotland, Emma Louise 25, Emma, Emma M, and then I got the Kosick K club—can you count? Ya ken, I was not educated properly, I can’t even read this properly.

What’s the difference between a taco from Mexico and a taco from the United Kingdom?

I do not know what a taco from Mexico tastes like, but I am certain it does not taste like the ones you get in the UK. For a start, are the ones in Mexico in between a woman’s legs? On a bad taco in the UK, sometimes it has a strong smell of fish, do they smell that way in Mexico? Lauren is the best to ask about this.

I may be reading between the lines here, but it would appear you have a certain thing for Jeff Tremaine, even after viewing that photo Cordell popped in Africa. Explain yourself, please.

Jeff Tremaine is a very fucking sexy man. Have you seen his eyes, his legs, his hair, his arms, his legs, his nose, his armpits, his hands, his face, his hair—you get the point, right?

Lately, it would appear you’ve taken a shine to Earl Parker, correct?

Hmmm, there is something about Earl that strikes with me. I do not know whether he slipped me a Mickey Finn or he just screams sexy. Yes, I find him sexy. I want to show that boy how a Scottish bitch handles it in bed. I am a total freak. Earl watch out, so hey, hook me up.

Have you ever thought to check yourself into a sleep disorder clinic?

I have had trouble sleeping for ten years. I was an odd teenager into a lot of drugs—they fucked me, but when the angel sleeps at night, 7.30pm, I go down to sleep. Except the weekends, they are mine. Are you asking why I can stay up all night? Well, I guess I am hardcore … oh, that reminds me there is a porn on TV tonight, thanks Cliver.

Have you ever made a loch mess in your underpants?

Are you asking if I made a shite in me knickers? Yes, I have. Do you want the story? Well, my friend in glasses, you ain’t getting the answer.

Are Scottish people born with enlarged tongues or do they just like using all parts of the mouth and throat while speaking?

We are the best at that. You see, we slide the word in, we breathe, then we exhale, and we repeat for how many times it is needed to complete the sentence. We do not have large tongues, just deep throats.

I will never play Scrabble with a Scottish person. That’s not a question, I’m just telling you that.

You know what, I will never play Scrabble with a man called Sean Cliver. He confuses the fucking shite out of me. If I can use Google on Scrabble, then yes, I would play, but I can’t, so basically I am telling you to suck it with that last comment. You know, I love ya kid, but damn, you are like a pimple on my ass. It is always there, it gets itchy, and it’s always a smart ass.

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