jackassworld

License to Shred

More of a mental thing than anything situated in the pants. I still have this computer they bought me at the office. The thing sucks, but the people rule. Last night I was thinking, I don’t need people for anything but today it is all-cool. The people are cool again. On my computer that I use when I am on top of the world in the mornings here and in America, I have a license to shred: one thing, I don’t write down what I plan to do; it is more of a fly by the seat of my pants situation here at jackassworld. If you don’t know, ask somebody and they will tell you that it is—graduate from high school and you can be the same. Knoxville hired me cuz I had some THC in my system, this is the place to be, there is a bong right next to me, next to my can of Coke. I drink Coke in the mornings when I write here cuz I am a writer that drinks Coke when I do writing work here at the office where they still have the computer they got me so I could entertain the masses by doing so forth.

Among all the art programs on this thing, there is the Internet. I am a horny person sometimes, usually at night, so I log onto the adult-oriented sites and see what I cum up with. I am too shy to talk to girls and am a totally fucked-up person that sits around and drinks coffee.

Or, I am a jackass. Adultfriendfinder.com, and Craigslist.com, WERE two of my FAVE sites. The first mentioned I canceled the account of yesterday because I didn’t get laid. I paid $17.99 to have a picture of my dick on there and the name “Legman342.” I wrote a letter to everyone that was hot in LA or around here (maybe they could drive down in a car). For a quick second I think I saw a picture of Steve Randolph, the old Big Brother intern, he looked handsome. I texted him and asked how many times he had hooked up from the site and there was no reply. I didn’t hook up at all. Sometimes when I went and walked down Hollywood boulevard there was female forms everywhere. My friend said they were “on the loose.” Pretty funny.

On my last day on Adultfriendfinder.com there was a new member that popped up that lived in California. She was a perfect ten blond with a great smile and good posture. After I finished dinner last night I sat there looking at the floor in my room, and pictured the blond babe standing in the middle of my room. If that would have happened then it would have been worth the $17.99, but there is no account anymore so for now it’s like a lost cause unless I just run across someone like her somewhere. Hmmm… (everyone likes tasty pussy) or do they.

Chris Pontius, doesn’t make things too glossy. That is wrong. He was not around for a while because he was in Europe but now he is around. He said “surfing is life; the rest is details.” I can’t surf, so I have to try things amongst all the other crap out there like Craigslist which is funny to post things, ads, about yourself about how you want to have someone suck on your dick at some point, preferably in the evening. The evening is when most of the people have or do a dick-sucking. I work at Dickhouse so I thought it would be okay to put pictures of my dick on Craigslist and nobody would care.

I alerted Chris about my performances and how not a single thing was happening from it, and he said that I should decide to be gay instead. It was really funny, he is really funny and I admire his funny side and think that he is funny and about how I should be gay instead. Why, cuz women just want to make a buck. Also he said even if I didn’t turn gay that one of the people from the postings might just beat me up instead.

There was no luck with any of it and I didn’t want to turn gay. I thought that was a really bad idea, but it was a funny one. Maybe it was a solution to Internet dating endeavors here at Dickhouse, but instead I am going to walk down Hollywood Boulevard and go up to women and say hello. Hello, I am Thomas Schmidt, and I want to get to know you first with IM before it goes down the throat—

(all photos by Earl Parker; Los Angeles, CA; 2009)

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