jackassworld

The water buffalo (Bubalus bubalis) is an exotic bovine breed ingenious to southeastern Asia and other parts of the world. The animal is named as such for its amazing ability to hold and retain water, much the way a human female does during the latter stages of pregnancy—hence its cranky demeanor and bloated appearance.

Contrary to widely held belief, the water buffalo will not gush forth with water if hacked open with a machete, as evidenced by its cameo (but nonetheless pivotal) role in Francis Ford Coppola’s Apocalypse Now (1979). In 1974, scientists determined that a significant portion of the female water buffalo population is prone to same-sex practices of a lesbian-like nature and, as a consequence of these studies, many farmers have resorted to buying up young Dutch boys on the black market to accompany these beasts in the field during rutting season and keep at least one to two fingers stuck inside their big buffalo vaginas to keep the dykes from leaking.

Hypothetically speaking, if Steve-O was of bovine descent I’m fairly certain that he would be classified as the vomit barffalo (Pukelus pukelis), what with his amazing ability to hurl the contents of not only his stomach but every single other organ housing a workable amount of food or beverage, undigested or otherwise.