jackassworld

I enjoy drinking during the day, but I had to stop because it was interfering with work. Knoxville, however, has found a way to drink during the day and the drinking is considered “work”: Those One Shot, One Beer—I can never keep it straight because there ain’t one of nothing, but whatever they’re called, they’re genius. I wish I had thought of it. Because the only reason he does them is so he can get drunk with his friends during working hours. Again, genius. That’s why he’s the boss. Maybe I should start a segment called “One Bottle of Wine, and One Children’s Book,” and then I’ll just sit there and get drunk while reading a children’s book to the camera. There’s a lot of children’s literature out there, so the segment would have a long life.

So, anyway, when we asked Knoxville where he wanted to do his interview for the Big Brother documentary, he said, “The bar?” A quick phone call to Handsome Jack, and the Three of Clubs was all ours for the afternoon until it opened. And despite the fact that I was “allowed” the opportunity to imbibe, I chose to take the high road and continue to abstain from drinking during the day.

“I’m not drinking,” I announced before we left.

My announcement was met with a flurry of “Yeah right”s, and “Bullshit”s. At which point, I had to admit to myself there was no way I was going to go to a bar and not drink. “Bullshit,” I said to myself. So “I’m not drinking” quickly turned into the game, “Let’s see how long I can go before I drink.”

It’s not a very fun game, I’ll tell you that. Especially when you have free reign of an entire bar. And Knoxville was no help at all. “Oh man!” he’d say after taking a tug on a bottle of beer, “that beer tastes soooo good cold!”

“Fuck you, Knoxville,” I groaned. Torture. Pure torture.

Lauren, the official time keeper, clocked me at, I think, 29 minutes. Twenty-nine minutes before I put a bottle of beer to my lips. Almost a half hour. That’s fucking good. For me. To be surrounded by alcohol and to go 29 minutes without tearing the top off a bottle of something and slamming it down my throat? If you knew me, you’d be astounded. It would be like seeing a small child lift a Cadillac over his head and throw it across the street. You’d be like, “What the fuck?” Anyway, Knoxville was right, the beer tasted soooo good cold.

Afterward, while going over the interview in my head, I realized that besides the great story telling we got on camera, Knoxville was, shall we say, very “distracted” by all the booze. Which, admittedly, is perfectly normal for a young man his age. So when we got back, I asked Lauren if she could put together a little tape of the stuff that went on in between the questions and answers. Enjoy.

And as a footnote, I have some good news: it’s okay to take drugs. Really. Scientists said so. Cheers:

Health Buzz: Stimulants for Healthy People and Other Health News

Healthy people should be permitted to take pills typically prescribed only for those with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or memory impairment, suggested several scientists in an opinion piece published online yesterday in the journal Nature. Stimulants like Ritalin and Adderall are usually prescribed for those with ADHD, but the drugs may also help those without the disorder focus and handle information. College students already illegally take such drugs to help with studying, the scientists wrote. Also, a sleep disorder drug called Provigil can help healthy people who need a boost when they’re sleep deprived, and some Alzheimer’s disease medications may help improve memory in healthy people. Two of the study’s seven authors acknowledged consulting for pharmaceutical companies, the Associated Press reports. In May, U.S. News’s Nancy Shute talked with Edward Hallowell, author of Driven to Distraction and CrazyBusy, about news that adults with ADHD lose 22 days’ worth of productivity at work each year because of the disorder. Hallowell said the study might actually help more people identify a condition that’s making them miserable and get help.

(US News & World Report, December 8th 2008)

(photo by Sean Cliver; Hollywood, CA; 2008)

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