jackassworld

You don’t need Paris, unless you’re into bread and cheese. Who gives a fuck! Screw the Russians too, too full of culture. We’re not used to that in North America, which is all you really need. Lose your mind and head to South America if you like, but in the meantime, try this:

I don’t know where you are. Jackass is in LA. Not to say that this place is the greatest, but it is a good starting point for travels. I would know, but I have yet to lead myself on such a path described.

So you start at the Hollywood Greyhound station. That’s where I would begin; many may opt for one of the rare Mexico and Denver bound buses downtown, but they don’t know English there. So you just go to the bus station with 5,000 dollars. Your first stop will be a layover in downtown LA that will be totally lame and remind you of why you’re doing this. Don’t ever do this because I told you, it must be your own personal mission; from the heart, and you will need to be healthy as an ox.

Your next stop will be the Tijuana Aero Puerto, which means airport. English will be fine. Get on the next plane going to Veracruz: a harbor town with swell beer makers on the southeast coast. This place is a trip. I heard they went there for some Wildboyz stuff, and now you are there. It’s not that big. Make your way towards the ocean and check into a little hotel. Small amounts of Spanish may help tremendously at the hotel, with a woman’s panties, and when you go asking for the correct ship that you will ride across the Gulf into Cuba.

This is fun, I don’t even want to go to Paris, that place is gay. Anyways I have no idea what a boat ride as such would be like, but I would hope that you would still be alive when you reach the large island of Cuba. So, Americans aren’t supposed to go there, but you have, so you have to try and make it work. Hollywood, and its nightlife, are worlds away, but five-dollar pussy isn’t! So flash your cash and let them know you’re there to spend. They won’t stamp your passport because you would get in trouble back in the states if somebody special saw the stamp.

I don’t know, I’ve never been there: I think it’s like straight out of the 50’s and you’re not in overrated Europe. So now just take buses and spend the night in hotels as you head east across the island. Stay away from the police and have as much sex as you can handle. It’s probably like Mexico: you’re money would go a long way. Also, Cuban sandwiches are totally rad, so eat a lot of those.

If you’ve held up, you should be at the eastern side of Cuba. And your dick should be well used and dangling limply.

Get on another boat, and head towards the Florida Keys. This place is neat so you can relax finally and play darts and shit. Then go to Cocoa Beach. I say this because I went there on a family vacation and saw this young chick with a totally rad ass hanging out of cut off jean shorts. Are you a red-blooded American male? This is why you should do this. You’re sick of Cuban people, so as a present to yourself, just nail one of these candy apple beach chicks and then go to Miami and go to some clubs or something. You should be so sick of sex at this point that you’re turning down babes at the clubs; you’re wearing a shirt that says Cuba on it and you’re the man. Spin tales and tell them jackass sent you.

(photos by Earl Parker; Hollywood, CA; 2008)

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