who the hell are you?
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No small fan of the random, I naturally enjoy a good random comment on any of our daily posts (yes, I still steadfastly refuse to acknowledge the “B-word,” of which I am no fucking fan of at all). There are, however, varied degrees of random and not all random can be quantified as good random. Take that one fellow, for instance, who persists in leaving a simple “?” on most every post. Shit, at least “Your Name Here” had the common decency to make more than a passing fart out of his enigma and go fuck-all merry on the site. Anyway, I’ve always enjoyed the offhand musings of Grinning Ape. Then again, I’ve always enjoyed the humor in The Smiths’ lyrics, so there’s some kind of hand in glove for you. |
Who are you, how old are you, and where are you from?
My name is Dan. I am originally from the leafy suburbs of South London, England. I studied art but afterwards, on account of being talentless, I fell into web design. I have had 36 years to decide what I’m going to do with my life, 36 years which I can’t help but feel I’ve squandered somewhat, at least in part, as I look on my not so mighty works and despair.
How did you find out about jackassworld?
Ever since the first movie was announced I’ve kept an eye on jackass’s presence on the web. That first site was a bit melancholy, as there wasn’t much on it and we were led to believe that that was the end of jackass. And then I used to try to keep tabs with Steve-O’s web-based freefall, but that was an exhausting, full time job. After that I would just optimistically tap jackass into The Internet every now and again, hoping that by sheer force of will I’d get you to make another series or film or at least a proper website. And then suddenly I got all my dreams plus a bonus DVD come true. I’d never have anticipated a site on the scale of jackassworld, though. You wait years for any news and then bluuurrrph suddenly there’s new jackass every day, shoved right up your RSS feed.
Do you wear black on the outside because you feel black on the inside?
I originally had prepared as a response to this question a story of how I was, for a short while back in the late ’80s, a bit of a goth. But then, on reflection, unless you really have to reveal something like that, be it under oath or torture, you should just keep it to yourself. I did just look up out of the window and saw a young lad come out of his house with his skateboard and start practicing some tricks. At his age I probably was ensconced in a darkened room listening to The Smiths and steadfastly missing the humor in the lyrics. What a grave error on my part and one I regret to this very day.
Do you have any words of advice for Earl Parker?
I can’t imagine he’d listen to me, and I don’t entirely blame him. I wouldn’t dare have the temerity to offer the man advice, what could I possibly know that he hasn’t already picked up, chewed on, then spat out? A cursory tidy up of that room of his wouldn’t go amiss, mind.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you wondered, What would James Bond do?
I am, I freely admit, a big Bond fan, yet after years of painful experience I have discovered that invoking his persona only works in extreme circumstances, e.g. a weepy, mysterious Russian heiress bursts into your sumptuous hotel room and hides in the cupboard, or you find yourself sharing an elevator with a Black Mamba, but in everyday dilemmas he’s no help whatsoever. If you get to the supermarket checkout only to realize you forgot your wallet and there’s already an irritable looking queue forming behind you as you make great show of going through your pockets even though you know you have no cash on you, it’s far more practical to think, What would Dave England do? He might take a dump on the floor there and then and walk calmly away amid the disbelief and confusion. There you’ve got a viable option.
How does a bloke from England land in the eco-tourist cuts of Chile?
The mercifully short story is I married a Chilean lady. We lived in London for the first five years together, then here in Chile another five, so I guess it’s time to go back, or maybe go somewhere else. I must admit to being ready to move on, though I’d like to come back here… at a later date. My mum once said of me, “He’ll never be happy, wherever he is,” and to this day I don’t know if that was just an observation or a curse she decided to put on me.
Have you ever considered uploading a photo of your abdominal region for your member ID image?
No… I wouldn’t inflict that on fellow jackassworld members. If the body’s a temple, mine is a necropolis. And I recently got over a bout of scabies (if you are going to stay the night in cheap cabañas, bring your own towels) so I’m slightly scarred, but not in any way heroic. Oh, and ringworm, the double. I’d never had these things in all my childhood, nor whilst being an unkempt, malnourished art student, and yet now, at 36, scabies and ringworm at the same time. I’ll have fucking mumps next.
Have you ever seen a Poocano in Pucón?
It sounds like the ideal location for one, but sadly no, sorry to disappoint. There is a volcano here with regular magma, but I have yet to see anything with toxic gases and molten poop erupting from its crater. When you film jackass 3 (…) or the next (very long) road trip you could film it here: close-up shot of the picturesque volcano, pull back to reveal Dave England’s buttocks, “Hi, I’m in Pucón and this is the Poocano… gnnnnnh!”
You’re given the chance to listen to five last songs before you die, what are they?
I’m paranoid now that if I listen to five songs I’ll die immediately afterwards. You wonder if these hypothetical situations actually ever occur, I dare say they do. Am I picking my favorite five songs or am I specifically thinking of the five I’d play before dying? I know I’d just panic and reel off five songs and then at the point of death think “Oh what about…?” and then expire, disappointed with myself for all eternity.
- “Dreams Never End” by New Order
- “Blue Thunder” by Galaxie 500
- “Copper” by Shellac
- “Bird Dream of the Olympus Mons” by the Pixies
- “The Devil” by PJ Harvey
So wait, if Rick Kosick was the walrus, then who was John Lennon?
I felt bad later about casting Rick as the Walrus in the Zodiac drawing thing, I didn’t really mean to suggest anything with that, nor with anyone’s animal familiar. I also wish I’d drawn Knoxville slightly more faithfully, though I was happy at how Dave England turned out. John Lennon… would he have approved of jackass, maybe even appeared in it? If Dave England is John Lennon does that make Ehren Yoko Ono?
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