jackassworld

Rick came in my office last week with another one of his cockamamie ideas. “Hey Dave,” he bellowed, “I have an idea.” Oh great, here we go. “Why don’t we build a bunch of little Neil Blender ramps around the office.” Cockamamie, yes. Stupid, yes. Great idea? FUCK YES. But I took it one step further.

“What about a skate track?” I suggested.

I’m not sure if I actually heard about the skate track, or if I made this whole story up in my head. In my mind, Darren Navarette told me about a skate track in Neil Blender’s backyard. From what I think I heard, it’s a narrow wooden track that winds and weaves through Neil’s house and backyard. They race on old banana boards with open-case bearings. Apparently it’s not only very difficult to stay on, but it’s also very, very dangerous. So we’re going to try and build one here in the jackassworld offices.

But like I said, I’m not sure if ours will be the first skate track or the second. My mind is prone to recreating reality. For instance, for years I believed a playground story that I knew not to be true. I threw up a bag of Cheetos under the jungle gym. Everyone laughed at me as I kneeled there over the orange puddle on the hot, black, rubber mat. Then a teacher came out and made everyone on the playground stand facing a wall with their backs to the teacher and I. The teacher then lectured the entire school about barfing. She explained that it was a perfectly natural thing and that there was no reason to laugh at another child for barfing up a bag of Cheetos. I felt shame.

It’s too weird to have been anything but fiction. Yet I never ate Cheetos again (if I even did the first time?) ’til well into adulthood. I’m still bummed about all those years I missed out on the delicious taste of Cheetos because of my stupid playground dream.

The dream of the skate track, however, we plan to make a reality. I’ve even made it a proposition: Prop ST (Proposition Skate Track). “Vote NO on Prop ST!” is what I’m saying. If Prop ST doesn’t pass, we get a skate track. A “No” vote means, “No more boring office with no skate track.” (I know, the way the proposition was worded is very confusing, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching politics, it’s that confusion works.) Prop ST does have a little support as there are a few staff members who are less than enthusiastic about the idea of a skate track weaving through their workspace. Not least of which is Wolfie whose desk we plan to make the deck of a quarter pipe. Sorry Wolfie, it’s not our fault you chose a desk right in the path of the skate track. Don’t make us invoke eminent domain on your ass

As you can see in the layout of the office with the proposed two-foot-wide skate track weaving through the common area, one exit from the track itself ends in a quarter pipe that butts up against Wolfie’s desk. Quarter pipes are represented by the orange squares. As of now, there are five hidden in various nooks and crannies throughout the office. The yellow squares are where I’m proposing we put in “pump bumps” to help generate speed in the flats.

“The more we talk about it,” Cliver said, “the more likely it’ll happen.”

Supporters of Prop ST, however, argue that unless the ballot measure is passed, there will be severe damage to the environment and taxpayers will be forced to pay hundreds of dollars to replace all the wood that was horked from construction sites. The latest polls, though, show that Prop ST is likely to be defeated at the ballot box. (Meaning, again, no more boring office with no skate track.) One of the biggest opponents of Prop ST is the President of jackassworld, Jeff Tremaine. Jeff is strongly against Prop ST and has not only said, “Do it now, please,” but sources say he has told JxPx, the only contractor to bid for the construction contract, to, “Go off.”

So, please, vote “No” on Proposition Skate Track. Thank you. I’m Dave Carnie, and I approve this message.