jackassworld

Homosexuality has been a part of warrior societies since the dawn of time. I’m not sure why, but my guess is it’s because warriors tend to hang out only with other warriors. You know wrastlin’, sharpening swords, working out, etc.. These are activities which not only don’t leave much time for dating, but they make you tough as nails. And I would assume anyone that isn’t tough as nails wouldn’t be as attractive to the warrior as someone who is, like himself, tough as nails. That leaves just other warriors. So they, you know, gay off. Mmmm.

I’m not just talking about male homo warriors either. Amazons? They hated the opposite sex and the only  thing they were gobblin’ were each other’s giant vaginas. But still, they’re no match for two of the greatest warrior societies of all time, the Spartans of ancient Greece and the Nazis of European Germany. Those dudes knew how to start a fucking war. Both of ‘em! And they really knew how to gay off, too. Man, the homosexual orgies they threw, oh man… just like our government.

There’s no doubt in my mind that the members of our current administration, aka “The Hawk Cabal,” Bush, Cheney, Rove, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Libby, Feith, and even Condeleeza Rice (who is actually a cross dressing dude, nee “Conor”), are all actively engaged in homosexual behavior. I base this on the fact that they are all very strong men who enjoy war. Much like the Spartans, the Nazis, and the Amazons. Who, as I mentioned before, were total homos. If A, then B. If B, then C. Thus, if A, then C.

1. If you enjoy war, then you are a homosexual.
2. The members of the hawk cabal enjoy war.
3. Therefore the members of the hawk cabal are homosexuals.

See, it’s true. Logically infallible. (I was a philosophy minor, I totally know this shit.)

The video, above, was conceived out of the warrior spirit. Chris and I shot it, with the help of our friend Whitey, in Jeff Tremaine’s shower some years ago for a Big Brother video. We wanted to let everyone know that we were warriors. “Don’t mess with Big Brother magazine,” we were trying to say, “because we make crush our enemies, for to see them driven before us, and then make hears the lamentation of their women!” Waaaahhh. I like that sound.

Unfortunately, at the time, Jeff and Dimitry hadn’t embraced the warrior spirit yet and deemed the footage “too gay” for the Big Brother video. (My how attitudes have changed since then?) Dimitry was hanging out with cool people in New York City (warriors have no time for being cool) and he felt his relationships would be jeopardized if he was associated with a magazine that embraced the warrior spirit and its philosophy. I don’t think he appreciated the “embracing” part of the warrior spirit.  Jeff, on the hand, was just being a wimp.

So the awesome warrior footage lay quietly in Whitey’s basement in Portland, Oregon for a few years until, one day, he found a use for it in a silly little snowboard video he was making called Bullet.

The chapters of our warrior saga were intended to be divided up throughout the video (as they were in Bullet), but here we show them back to back… literally! Because we know you wouldn’t want to have to wade through a bunch of stupid snowboarding just to get to see our awesome warrior saga movie. Hail Crom, and enjoy!