jackassworld

I’ve been friends with the Captain and Casey for years now. Great guys. And their TV show on Fuel Network, The Captain and Casey Show, is the longest running skateboard TV show in history. But do they deserve an interview? Pfft, no. So this kind of sucks. I really didn’t want to do this interview, but Casey did a favor for me, so I kind of owed him one, so I was like, “Okay, I guess so.” Fuck. But as it turns out, it was a good thing because I ended up with a Von Zipper sunglasses deal. And I Iike Von Zippers. They’re probably more expensive than Mike’s Ray Ban sunglasses I keep breaking. So before the interview starts, the Captain takes a call from TJ at Von Zipper. I took a gamble. “Hey, tell him I want some sunglasses.” It never hurts to ask. “Carnie wants some sunglasses,” the Captain said. “You tell Carne Asada that I’ll hook my bro up with whatever he needs.” Wow, the response was better than expected. Bro? Carne Asada, even? In my next interview, I will surely be wearing Von Zipper sunglasses. But in this interview, the only people wearing them are Captain and Casey. And who would have guessed they would make for a fun interview?

So why am I being bullied into interviewing you guys?
Casey: No one has interviewed us. Except for today. Today was the first day.
Captain: Yeah, with Emmy nominated Pat Parnell.
And if something was to happen to hurt the Captain or I-because I’ve been out late nights-we want it in the books. And we wanted the best person to do it, so that’s why we have you Dave.
So why do you think no one’s interviewed you guys before?
No one really gives a fuck.
Or maybe you saved all the interviews up for today?
I think it’s all in a nutshell right here, we’re about ready to give it up. Anything and everything you want to know that we weren’t allowed to show on TV.
What’s the date today, Friday, September…?
September 19.
Of course you know the date, you’ve been waiting for this day your whole life. Don’t act like you had to look it up.
It’s like D-Day.
I can only think of one other skateboard TV show, so that must make you guys the longest running skateboard TV show in history?
Oh, did you hear him say that?
Yeah I did. But I mean look at our guests, Dave Carnie was on, Clyde Singleton, Jason Jessee-that’s all you really need to know.
What was the other show?
Skate TV!
Remember what happened to that guy? He became Shaggy in the Scooby Doo movies. What do you think is going to happen to this guy?
I wish I knew movies better because I would be able to say something really funny and witty here, but I don’t. There’s a lot of girls on the set of your show. Where do those beasts come from?
Originally we were trying to have a casting call. But the first producers for the first three seasons said we couldn’t do it. They were horrible producers. We called them the what?
Reducers.
But you just pick them out from the streets, or the bars, or, as Chaka was doing it, at the strip clubs.
What do you say? Because surely they’ve never heard of the Captain and Casey Show?
Not one of them does. Seen or heard of. None of them even have a nephew who’s seen it.
I think I saw one of them try to do some acting?
We try to get rid of that. We try to keep that as far away from the set as possible.
I think you should encourage it because it’s really uncomfortable. So have you gotten to second base with any of the girls on the show?
What is fingering? What base is that?
I don’t know. Is that like an inside the park home run?
Okay, I got one of those. She was sitting on my lap behind the desk and we were filming something and I felt it was appropriate to have on camera some sort of naughtiness. So if you see that episode, WHOOPSY DAISIES!
Have you ever jacked off under your desk?
Never have.
Have you ever jacked off on top of your desk?
I’m waiting for him to ask what we’ve done on the couch because that’s the real question. I have yet to jack off on my desk. And if you want to know if I’ve penetrated any women on the desk, that I’m not at liberty to say.
Captain have you ever jacked off on Casey’s desk?
His one at home or at work?
Have you ever done a show with your pants off?
Yes I have.
You know who’s famous for that is Letterman. I think he does all of his shows like that.
I’ve done a couple.
So keep your pants off, you might be prime time.
Did you have your socks on when you had your pants off?
Yes I did, and argyle would have been the flavor of the sock.
Speaking of outfits, who provides the wardrobe for the Captain and Casey Show?
Goodwill.
What do you look for?
You wanna go Miami Vice, but that’s just not the vibe we’re throwing out there. We want to go a little bit older. How would you describe-
[I fart]
Thank you Dave.
Old and musty. If you can find the jackets that still have the tissue paper in them, and matches, those are the ones you want. I found money in one of the jackets. I think it was a hundred bucks.
Wow, that jacket literally paid for itself! Do you ever take your sunglasses off on the show?
Good question.
I don’t think you ever have. I would say no.
I don’t wear my sunglasses at night though.
Did I ask you about jacking off on the desk?
Yes, we did jack off-we, nobody jacked off on the desk.

Wait, you did jack off on the desk?
Tell him the story about the girl doing coke on the set.
Oh good, because that was one of my questions: “Can you tell me some stories about girls doing coke on the set?”
We were sitting in the area and every so often we’ll have breaks on the shows. It’s pretty much after every time we talk, there’s a break. So they’re mic’d still and we heard the girl going to the bathroom. Next thing we know, Stevie, our soundman, was like, “Everybody come over here, this is still going on!” He turns the volume up and this is the line we hear, “No, no, that line is too big. Maybe a little smaller. Wait, no, bigger than that.” And then that was followed by the sound of someone snorting. She came back very excited.
Is that the girl you finger banged?
That is not the girl I finger banged.
By the way, what’s in those coffee mugs?
Liquid.
Is that what you’re calling it.
What’s the chemical equation for liquid?
H2O?
No that’s water, what about liquid?
Oh is it that symbol that is like a B and then two Es and an R? BE2R?
I don’t think there’s ever been any E in any of the mugs.
Sometimes there’s a W though. With an I, N, and E. Sometimes there’s like some R. And then a U and an M.
Have you ever done a show with LS or D in the mug?
You know what, I haven’t tried that, but I’ve come close.
Come close? How do you come close to dropping acid, you either take it or you don’t?
Look, if you knew Timothy Leary the way I do, you would understand this. But, yeah, Shroomy Town.
Shroomed it? When? I never heard this.
I think it was the organic episode. It would be the one where my eyes are really dilated I would think.
Alright, well let’s get to the couch. First, has Clyde Singleton been on that couch?
That’s a very good question. The answer is yes. But he didn’t sleep on the couch like he did on Bill Weiss’, Jason Shelton’s, etc.. yeah he slept on Weiss couch right after his wedding. On his wedding couch.
Yeah weiss said something an email recently to everyone including Clyde, “Yeah I’m sitting on my couch right now and I’m smelling you.” Okay so Clyde hasn’t peed on your couch?
He has yet to saturate it, or soil it.
What has happened on that couch? Have you finger banged the couch?
I did finger bang the couch looking for change one night. But Omar Salazar actually took all the change that was in the couch. He was down for it. And a really good guest and a really long episode. What has gone on on the couch? Um, sex drugs and rock and roll. One of the couches got burned.
In the studio?
Yeah, with cigarettes.
I took an axe to one. Remember our “director” got really mad because he wanted to save it for his home? You want to save this fucking couch that we’re spilling beer and peeing on to put in your house when we’re done with it? Makes no sense to me.
So there has been hanky panky on the couch?
Well I did see a girl do a somersault to reverse cowgirl, heels through the paneling, right on top of Chris’ face. Check out the Bobby Worrest footage because it’ll probably never air on fuel.
Fuel is notoriously hard to work with because they’re owned by Fox. What were some frustrating issues you’ve had to work with?
Phrases was one for awhile. Like “myspace” or “Rupert Murdoch.” I got an actual letter sent from Rupert Murdoch that said, “Stop using my name.”
Really? Why were you using his name?
Making fun of him.
Well the Simpsons’ Mr. Burns is supposed to be Rupert Murdoch. The all powerful person, and they always make fun of Fox. So we made fun of Fuel and coincidentally Fuel is owned by Fox, so I used his name and they took that away. For awhile we weren’t supposed to show skating in the streets.
Oh yeah that was funny, “Hey we can’t show people skating on the streets.” Yeah, no street skating.
Well, they’re right, kids shouldn’t be skating in the streets, just like we shouldn’t be doing this interview any more. Do you have any shoutouts? I’m just kidding, you don’t get any shoutouts. Thanks guys.
Thanks Dave.