jackassworld

After an exciting week with way more ups than downs, I wanted to write a little bit about our adventure and the people who went on it. (more…)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

I guess this would be considered a three-pack? I know, I can’t get drunk on three either. I need at least 12. Don’t worry, we’re going to give you plenty. But you have to drink these three first. Don’t, like, open one and then set it on the mantle and forget about it and go help yourself to another one. When you start one, you need to finish it. If you don’t, you’re a “cheerleader.” That’s someone who opens something, takes a sip of it, holds onto it for an hour, then leaves it on the mantel. “WOO! I’M PARTYING!” No, you’re not. You’re cheerleading. And the host of the party has to pour all that shit out tomorrow. So we’ll give you more, but you have to finish these after you open them. And we’ll know whether you finish them or not. We’ve installed some new, weird, web software that will track your movements. We will not only know what you did last summer, but what you’re going to do tonight. This new software will tell us what kind of car your mom drives. It will show us which hand you wipe your butt with. It will show us the JC Penny bra model you jacked off to as a child. Yes, it will tell us everything. But most importantly, it will tell us whether you watched these Wildboyz episodes or not. So watch them. You have to. Because I told you so. “What if I don’t?” What if I don’t? How dare you. You just watch them. Because if you don’t, we will know that you didn’t. And then we will be very, very, very upset.

I’m not so sure this will be construed as the best possible tribute paid to the passing of Paul Newman, but it’s all we really have to work with and it was one of those pieces that helped launched jackass in some critically abhorred form or another. The “50 Egg Challenge” was, as many should know by now, inspired by a scene from the movie Cool Hand Luke, starring Paul Newman long before he became a salad dressing magnate. This segment was “filmed” in early summer 2000, prior to our being staffed with the formal production crew spearheaded by Trip Taylor (look for former pilot production supervisor Greg Wolf manning the boom in the background), but here’s the original treatment that was written and submitted for MTV approval once we were all squared away on the legal books in July:

“Borrowing the general idea from the movie Cool Hand Luke, Johnny Knoxville hosts the ‘50 Egg Challenge,’ where he puts Luke’s theory to the test that ‘no man can eat 50 eggs in one hour.’ Three brave contestants have stepped up to the ovo-challenge, the first being Chris Nieratko, a darkhorse candidate to win with his formidable techniques of eating and puking. Next up is Preston Lacy, a large lad who proudly touts that ‘size matters,’ which, given the critical success of the movie that bore the very same tag line—the North American iguanodon-ish Godzilla (1998)—Preston’s chances are feeble at best. The final contestant, Stephanie Hodge, puts an alternate theory to the test, where a man may not be able to eat 50 eggs in one hour but perhaps a woman can. If nothing else, Stephanie at least makes the proceedings a bit more palatable to the eye given the visual ‘unappeal’ of both Chris and Preston and the whole damn contest in general. Each contestant will be given an aluminum tray heaping with 50 shucked, hard-boiled eggs. The only other food items allowed on the table will be liquid refreshments and condiments; vomiting is not only legal but encouraged. The person who has eaten the most eggs at the end of one hour will be awarded a measly cash prize, perhaps enough to cover the cost of getting their stomach pumped at the hospital.”

(photo by Sean Cliver; Los Angeles, CA; 2000)

Waking up in San Luis Obispo on Sunday morning, we all succumbed to the magnetic pull of home which lay only three hours away, thereby kicking the “Law of Diminishing Road Trip Returns” into full non-productive effect. With pedals to the floor, JxPx Blackmon and Mike G. hit the 101 south up until Buellton where they hooked a nonsensical left into the faux-Danish territory known as Solvang. Here we briefly checked out a cement skate park at the Hans Christian Anderson park, but only long enough for the guys to decide they really weren’t up for anymore skating and me to take one of the top three best/worst slams in all my 22 years on the board. (Unfortunately this wasn’t caught on tape, because it’s always good fun to see someone windmilling through the air and onto their face.) Anyway, from there it was back on the 101 south to Santa Barbara for a blowout seafood lunch. Right across from the restaurant, though, was a skate park, and it didn’t take long for us to attract a good deal of attention from the local kids who had spotted Wee Man on the sidewalk. After consuming a fine selection of appetizers and entrées, the guys stopped by the park to mix with the kids, many of whom walked away with autographs on their boards, shirts, and bodies. Then it was back in the van and on the road, homeward bound. (more…)

Maybe you’ve seen this already, but for those who have not, enjoy.

http://creativity-online.com/work/view?seed=349ffa2b

Not long after leaving the Grey Wolf Cellars winery in Paso Robles, CA, we pulled off the southbound 101 at a random cave that Mike Kassak and Chris Pontius remembered from their youthful days of growing up in San Luis Obispo. The moment we set our eyes on the wildery little cave, visions of Garbage Man began dancing in our heads so JxPx Blackmon ran back to the van to get some black duct tape that Pontius specifically requested. I only mention this, because in years past he’d always used black “gaffers” tape, which is a much more “low-tack” tape, as opposed to the “high-tack” properties of duct tape. Soon after stripping down and applying the tape to Garbage Man’s junk, Chris realized something was terribly amiss as the tape gripped him in ways that it had never gripped before. While doing so, though, a considerably fermented Loomis Fall popped his head between Pontius’s legs in a surprising tea bag position. Grapes—friend or foe? You be the judge.

(photo by Sean Cliver; San Luis Obispo, CA; 2008)

So we’ve had this age old problem on our production trips where MTV doesn’t pick up any extraneous alcohol tabs or costs. The easiest way around this, we’ve discovered, is to build your “creative” around alcohol. Hence, our desire to stop at a winery and “learn” all about the vinting process. Thanks to the local efforts of Chris Pontius’s brother Matt, we hooked up with Joe at Grey Wolf Cellars in Paso Robles, the heart of Central Coast wine country (Greg Wolf, unfortunately, was unable to meet us at the Grey Wolf winery). Following a quick tour of the machinations behind the conversion of grapes to wine, Joe set us up at a table with a number of bottles, two of which were classily chugged in full by Loomis Fall—whom we all expected to literally fall soon thereafter. While learning the finer tips and tricks of wine tasting, Pontius somehow managed to segue into sexual positions—how I have no idea—starting with the “Jade Gate,” a back-to-back technique for the more well-endowed, I believe. This of course lead to the introduction of Scott Manning, another famously large “member” of the San Luis Obispo region, more specifically Atascadero. With Chris playing the female role, Scott displayed a more involved position in which the girl is upended on her head against a wall (happily portrayed by Loomis) and entered from behind. Since Scotty didn’t have a name for this maneuver, we dubbed it the “Scream For Me,” seeing as all three members of the band were involved and it seemed somewhat appropriate, especially with Scott on the giving end.

(photos by Sean Cliver; Paso Robles, CA; 2008)

I’ve wondered aloud before how it was possible for two near angelic parents to conceive a near hell spawn, but it certainly has made for an eventful life and times in the Margera household. So in celebration of Bam’s birth on earth here’s a montage of moments spanning the last ten years of his life on CKY and jackass. Take it away, Seth, you birthday-cutting bastard!

“hey rick, i thought mike was already pretty relaxed when you told him to relax.”
—chris pontius to a semi-argumentative rick kosick, during a meeting about the road trip

“that idiot ehren is already pissing me off.”
—chris pontius, the morning of the road trip before we’d even left the office

“i’m gonna make a new rule—you’re not allowed to talk to me until after noon.”
—preston lacy to ehren mcghehey, the second day of the road trip

“those people fucking reek of church.”
—mike kassak, observing some people on the street

“the russian QA team found some colorful russian phrases on the jackassworld community landing page. their concern was that these phrases had snuck in as part of the work that we’re doing around language localization.”
—a recent communiqué from the flux development team

“we’re at the internet/rehab state of our career.”
—chris pontius

“he’s got dick problems.”
—dimitry elyashkevich to some random kid, when asked why johnny knoxville wasn’t on the road trip

“i’m the penis to ehren’s vagina.”
—katie89, a community member

“okay, i legitimately fucked that one up.”
—mike g., after running a red light and endangering the lives of sean cliver, dimitry elyashkevich, mike kassak, and scott manning on the road trip

“that’s not a park, that’s a fucking prison.”
—mike kassak, about the new lake cunningham skate park in san jose, california

Dimitry Elyashkevich pretty much left his career as a skateboard photographer in the dust soon after he picked up the video camera for jackass in late 2000, but for old time’s sake he’d packed up his flashes for this road trip. Despite the years taken off behind the lens he still hasn’t lost his touch, and were Big Brother magazine still around in print format this surely would’ve been the cover shot. But where did the tree come from, you ask? A little backyard ramp artistry saw fit to leave the tree in place and simply build the ramp around it for an unconventional yet shady obstacle.

(photo by Dimitry Elyashkevich; San Jose, CA; 2008)