jackassworld

“I am sick of writing about my penis,” Knoxville wrote in an email. “Would anyone else like to take a WHACK at it? I think my penis is a BEAT subject so if Carnie would like to take a stab at it for the photo of the day, go aHEAD.”

Hilarious. Anyway, the thing in the photo is not a fishing pole. Well, actually, I guess it kind of is if you’re trying to catch pictures of the inside of your cock hole. Which it just did in Knoxville’s ding-a-ling this morning. Apparently everything is healing up fine, but he still has to self-catheter twice a day…’TIL JANUARY! HAHAHAHA!

Ahem. I’d like to take this opportunity to mention that Knoxville isn’t the only person in the office who has had a catheter shoved up his dick hole. While Knoxville might hold the record for penetration in the cock-hole gang bang competition, I was also once the unfortunate recipient of a catheter.

After I got hit by a car and I had surgery, I was lying in my hospital bed hopped up on massive amounts of dilaudid. The night nurse told me, “Because of the drugs, you might find that you can’t pee and we’ll have to administer a catheter.” I was able to pee just fine until I woke up the following morning. Uh oh, I can’t pee. After a very uncomfortable period of time, I decided to call in the catheter. I pressed the nurse button. Eventually a black lady nurse came in my room and gave me a “WHATYOUWANT?” look.

“Uh, I can’t pee,” I said.

“Well then you don’t have to go pee,” she said. Usually that would be true.

“No, I really have to pee, but I can’t,” I said.

“Well then go pee,” she said.

“I tried, but I can’t,” I said.

“Then you don’t have to go,” she said closing the door behind her as she left.

She kind of scared me. So I waited a while before I pressed the nurse button again. It was starting to hurt. This time I got a mean Russian lady nurse. We had a similar argument about peeing, but I was eventually able to convince her that I was a grown man that knows how to pee, but simply couldn’t. Exasperated, she decided to humor me. She came back with some sort of sonogram thing. She waved the wand over my bladder area and suddenly her face went from boredom to surprise. “OH!” she said and rushed out. She came back with a catheter. “Told you so,” I said.

It’s no wonder they were so reluctant to administer the damn thing. It sucks for everyone involved. I hope I never have to get that close to another man’s penis, and then have to try and ram a big fat tube into that little tiny dick hole. She was definitely not having fun mining for urine. And I was having even less fun. You can’t imagine how much that sucks until you do it. But, I’ll admit, the payoff was worth it. After beating the shit out of my dick, she eventually struck gold. Ahhhh, sweet golden urine. I must have filled an oil drum.

The funniest part was in the middle of it, the phone rang. Without missing a beat and with one hand on my penis, the Russian nurse picked up the receiver and handed it to me. Huh? “CAN’T TALK NOW,” I yelled into the phone, “GOT A CATHETER IN MY COCK!”