jackassworld

In the early days of Big Brother, I got into a couple of books (listed below) that inspired me to write silly letters to big corporations. This one, “Dear Del Taco”—which was inspired by a real life event—appeared in issue #31. I think that was around ‘93, ‘94? Anyway, I’m showing it to you to prepare you for “Dear Southwest,” which will post later this week. (Click on the layout, or if that hurts your eyes, here’s the full text.)

Dear Del Taco…
No one likes big corporations. They’re involved in a game that we’re not allowed to play, and that makes us mad. Big corporations control the world and kill presidents, and that makes us even madder. They steal our money and don’t pay their employees very well. They’re jerks. You can, however, if only for a moment, interrupt their corrupt wheelings and dealings by sending them a ridiculous letter. They’ll read whatever nonsensical drivel you send them. And they’ll respond! It’s amazing! Inspired by a couple of books, Ted L. Nancy’s, Letters From a Nut, and Don Novello’s, Citizen Lazlo, Volumes 1 & 2, I sent Del Taco a letter concerning an episode I had at one of their restaurants. Of course I fictionalized it a bit, but like the books mentioned above, someone actually read the letter and then took the time to respond to the nonsense that I wrote.

Mr. Ruiz
3XX N. Genesee Ave. #6

DEL TACO
XXXXXX Avenida De La Cardata
Laguna Hills, CA XXXXXX

Dear Del Taco,

I regret to inform you that the subject of this letter is a complaint. My family and I have been dedicated, long-term patrons of your fine establishment at the corner of Santa Monica Blvd and Highland Ave in Los Angeles. The food has always been excellent and the service has been exemplary. That is why I was so shocked by the behavior of one of your employees during the wee hours of August 4, 1997.

My name is Mr. Ruiz. There are seven members comprising my family. We are called THE RUIZ FAMILY. THE RUIZ FAMILY loves Del Taco. I love it because I can feed my entire family for under four dollars thanks to your moderately priced menu. Why, little Mitch Ruiz, four, doesn’t even order from the menu; he’s content to gorge himself on the complimentary mild hot sauce. He puts the whole package in his mouth and sucks on it for hours. He says he loves the way it feels when the Del Taco Mild Taco Sauce explodes in his mouth. Sometimes he even eats the wrapper. The rest of THE RUIZ FAMILY eats nothing but your delicious, golden, crinkle french fries. Except for my wife, Rudy Ruiz, who will only eat your delicious ice cream sundry, The Topper. Yum.

On the night in question, however, your immaculate record was soiled by an armed security guard, hired, I believe, by your company to prevent rapists, molesters, drug addicts and other unsightly characters out of the dining area. I must commend you for your foresight: there’s nothing worse than being poked by a homeless man with a mouthful of fries. With my mouth full of fries, not his.

But, on the night in question, your “Security Guard” became “The Rude Drink Monitor.” Now I’ll admit that I was doing something “wrong” but there was no reason for the “Security Guard” to treat a loyal customer and father of five, husband to one, so rudely and with such disrespect.

I’ll describe the event as it happened. Instead of ordering a costly soda pop, I always order a water. I instruct the entire RUIZ FAMILY to do the same. Water is a perfect compliment to a Del Taco meal. I have, however, developed a habit of filling my water glass with a small amount of soda pop. Now, I know that you provide complimentary water to your customers with the assumption that they won’t abuse the self-service soda fountain which is there for those who can afford soda pop and actually pay for it. But I have always been a risk taker and I thought that a restaurant of your caliber and distinction would award a risk taker, not punish him. After all, your restaurant, if I’m not mistaken, has adopted an “X-treme” image. Need I mention the “Del Taco Extremely Hot” hot sauce? No, I don’t think so. That’s why I feel it necessary to relate to upper management the behavior of “The Rude Drink Monitor,” whose actions weaken your company’s image.

I went to the soda fountain, after excusing myself from the table of course, and filled my glass, which was intended to contain only water, with a small amount of ice, no problem there, it’s just water in a different form, but then I followed the ice with an equally small amount of pop, which, as I illustrated earlier, I did not pay for. Suddenly, I was accosted by a police–like man who grabbed my wrist and wrestled the drink from my relaxed grasp.

“Do you want to pay?!” he yelled at me as he poured the contents of my cup down the soda fountain’s gutter.

I felt very ashamed and humiliated in front of my children and my wife, THE RUIZ FAMILY. Because of this incident, they are threatening to move to another city, without me, unless you produce a certificate that reads, “WE ARE SORRY RUIZ FAMILY. YOUR FATHER IS OK AND HE WILL NEVER HIT YOU AGAIN. LOVE DEL TACO.”

Please fulfill my request because if you don’t comply without doing what I don’t want you to not do, I will be forced, as a result, to take legal action. I don’t like to use threats, and I especially dislike the idea of threatening the finest restaurant in America, but you leave me no choice as THE RUIZ FAMILY is threatening to disband. I’ve really got my tit in a wringer, here. Did I mention that I have a rash on my wrist where “The Drink Monitor” swapped me? I do. Enclosed is .89 for the pop. Keep up the good work.

Sincerely,
Mr. Ruiz

Del Taco’s Response

August 25, 1997

Mr. Ruiz
3XXN. Genesee Ave.
Los Angeles CA 900XX

Dear Mr. Ruiz:

Del Taco received your letter regarding your experience at our Del Taco restaurant in North Hollywood on August 4th.

We expect guards to monitor the drink station, which the guard did in your case.

Del Taco respectfully declines your request for an apology letter.

Sincerely,
Jan Levinson