jackassworld

Well, it seems as though I’ve stepped in it once again. Just when things were going well, I go and blow out my bad shoulder while eating breakfast. Everyone wants to hear my side of the story but, before I tell it, there is some background I would like to share with you—and to separate the fact from the fiction.

The first time my right shoulder went out on me was back in 1989. I was at a friend’s party and they had a billiards room. To get into the room, you had to step down a couple of stairs and I was hanging out, standing on those stairs, leaning on an overhang, when my shoulder bone first skirted out. It was somewhat painful, but I remember the bone going back into the shoulder very quickly without a lot of effort. I thought it was an isolated incident and left it at that.

A couple years later, I was playing basketball and overextended my arm. It went out a second time, but this time was more painful. I was, however, still able to move my “sub-fluxed” arm back into place without medical attention. Now I have had other injuries in the past (including a fractured wrist and a bone marrow test), but nothing has been so blindingly painful as this.

Over the ensuing years, my shoulder went out four more times. I must say it did go out in a number of weird occasions…like when I was trying to grab my cat from under the bed many years ago; when running to answer the phone; and, worst of all, turning over in my sleep (not much I could’ve done about that one). And, yes, there was that time after a long night of partying on my last day on Wildboyz season three, when I went out with a bunch of the boys and closed the bars down. After getting back to my apartment around 2:30 in the morning, I went to bed. My place at the time had the bedroom upstairs and the bathroom downstairs, so a little while after lying down I started to get the spins pretty bad. Well, there came a point when I knew I was going to puke, so I quickly ran down the stairs before it was too late. I had a rug on the floor in the bathroom in front of the toilet and, being drunk and not thinking clearly, I decided to toss the rug out of the way with my right arm so I wouldn’t puke on it. But, in doing so, I blew my arm out again. The pain, which had been gradually building with each subsequent injury, was the worst yet, and coupled with the sobbing and puking I had to do made for a really miserable experience. With some effort this time, I was able to get the shoulder bone back in place.

The next day I called an orthopedist and made an appointment. When I went in, they took X-rays but could not find anything immediately wrong. They just sent me for a few outrageously expensive physical therapy lessons and that was that. I did exercises from time to time and hoped the shoulder would just eventually heal itself. Somewhere deep down I feared that every time I’d stretch it or do something physical it would return, but over time I thought I had put the whole ugly mess behind me. This was true for about four years—until last week.

The story goes like this: I was finishing up my breakfast at the table, when I got up to go into the kitchen. I stood up and yawned, but as I extended my arm to stretch, the arm bone went out of place. The pain was so intense it knocked me backwards. I fell, hitting my other arm on the kitchen table, knocking orange juice and other breakfast stuff over before backing into a dining room chair and knocking it to the ground as well—pretty violent stuff. The pain was so intense I couldn’t move any other part of my body for fear that it would aggravate the shoulder. My wife Amy called 911 and a fire engine was the first vehicle dispatched (an ambulance was called but later canceled). At this point something kind of silly happened. [Ed. note: At this point?!] My dog Marlowe thought I was lying on the ground and wanted to play. Fortunately, before Marlowe dove on top of me, Amy put him away in another part of the house so we could let the firemen in. After lying on the ground in fetal position for about 30 minutes, I was helped outside by some of the firemen and brought to my wife’s car where she drove me to urgent care. Funny thing is, the urgent care covered under my insurance was not open anyplace that early in the morning (this whole thing happened before nine in the morning), so we drove around to other places that should’ve been open to see us but weren’t. We finally decided, “Fuck it,” and drove to the ER, even though we would be paying out the ass for the service. What could we do?

When we got to the emergency room, I couldn’t even stand up straight and had to crouch down walking into my exam room. Once I was on the bed, they took X-rays and gave me a shot of Dilaudid, which within seconds went from my arm to my chest and to my head. Needless to say, I felt a little better after that. After being examined, the doctor they told us he needed to knock me out to set the bone back in place due to it being too painful to do while I was awake. So they brought a few more people in to help with the anesthesia and within a few minutes I was out. I didn’t know this at the time—but I later found out as you have via my X-ray photo—the arm was dislocated so badly that the bone was practically in my armpit. No wonder I couldn’t pull it back into place on my own! Well, once the bone was put back in place they let me rest for a bit and then discharged me. I went home to get some rest and, while doing so, a few of the boys at the office made some videos of my predicament. Actually, they’re pretty funny and, for the most part, accurate.

How do things stand now? Well, I just had an MRA done, where they inject dye into the shoulder to see how badly damaged the ligaments and tendons are. When I find out the results, I’ll see how difficult the surgery will be. Then I will probably get it done within the next few weeks.

I’d like to take a moment and thank the JAW community for sending me “get well” wishes and notes of encouragement. I’d also like to thank the gang around the JAW office for their support. It might have been painful, but at least we got some good footage and posts out of it, right?