jackassworld

“hey, you wanna come watch me do my catheter?”
—johnny knoxville to chris pontius

“that was gnarly. i don’t want to hear anyone complain about being buttfucked anymore.”
—chris pontius, after watching johnny knoxville administer his catheter

“we can’t all be lucky. not all of us can sit around and write about poop all day and get paid for it.”
—katie89, a community member, in response to caityjane’s complaining about having to return to school

“i have a lot of people to beat up tonight; i’ve gotta pace myself.”
—mister merlin to johnny knoxville, during a rest break while helping their friend move

“video game boy? at least I sweat playing video games.”
—dimitry elyashkevich, in a retort to greg wolf who was trying to defend his playing fantasy football

“i’m Italian, but i’m not a member of the mafia and i don’t speak english but i understand the language enough to use words like shit, pussy, cock, turd, bitch and other important words…can you help me to enter in the clan jackass?”
—a random message from “your mother,” a community member

“i haven’t seen a muff like that since 1978 when i took a bath with my mom!”
—chris pontius

“do you think if i were to put a banana in my arse right now, josh would eat it?”
—emma, a community member

“epitome of the degradation of human society and…the gene pool. somehow ‘survival of the fittest’ doesn’t apply with these jokers. some mutants must be breeding to produce these skumbags…and the worst of it is…they never injure themselves enough to…well…’kick it.’ but… because i cringed so much and actually laughed at most of it… i still enjoyed it… i suppose. it got two stars instead of one.”
—swesleyc7, in a review of jackass 2.5 on hulu.com

“you’re the dave carnie of jake phelpses.”
—dimitry elyashkevich, regarding something about carnie, skateboarding, interviews, and jake phelps

“the rainbows have gotta come down.”
—rick kosick, regarding the use of rainbow iconography on the website and the supposedly daunting effects it has on male visitors

“that was funny. and crazy rick don’t take up my crazy please.”
—crazyemily, a community member, about crazy kosick in the silly string incident

“bam must have been a victim of this.”
—kirra, a community member, regarding the possibility of african penis thieves taking bam’s penis prior to his boarding the gumball plane to china

If you’re wondering what’s up with the mustaches it was just one of those silly things that people do when they get together and go abroad. If you’re going to be a foreigner in a foreign land, then heck, why not go the extra mile and really up the fucked factor. Beyond the facial hair antics, though, I really have to give it to Maximillion Cooper. How he’s able to lace this shit up every year and take it to places where people generally fear to tread is simply beyond me and my limited means. Then again, when you’re dealing with corrupt governments and law enforcement officials, currency will work miracles that Jesus H. Christ Himself probably couldn’t pull off in this modern day and age. And if there’s one thing these Gumball enthusiasts definitely have it is money to burn like rubber off a damn radial tyre.

In the first official semi-pre-produced segment of the Purple Pony Chronicles, Shanna sits down with her two favorite sexual advisors, Steve-O and Chris Pontius, with director Johnny Knoxville offscreen. Right out of the gate the three discuss awkward scenarios that arise from poor sexual hygiene, which prompts Steve-O to display how he’s let himself go in the pubic region of late. Following the bemused response to a question about finding a cure for premature male ejaculation, Chris and Steve-O reminisce about the series of backseat beat-off contests that took place between them on the 2001 Gumball Rally. Springboarding from matters of the wiener to expounding upon the vagina, the boys address everything from foul odors and how to address them to the predicament of throwing a hot dog down Main Street. And it just wouldn’t be a Purple Pony show without the perennial standby question: “Given the choice between a really great blowjob and actual sex, what would a guy choose?”

It all began with an English friend of Johnny Knoxville’s named Maximillion Cooper. In 2001, he put the motoring bug in our ear to take jackass on the road in his annual Gumball Rally 3000 event, which on this particular racing occasion was scheduled to depart England and pass through France, Belgium, Germany, Poland, Latvia, Russia, Finland and some of those other foreign countries that are all jigsawed up in that Euro-continental shit. We were deep in the midst of filming for seasons two and three of the television show, but the allure of a high speed global adventure was enticing indeed. Especially for Dimitry Elyashkevich who wanted desperately to return to his motherland for the first time since he’d defected in his youth. There were some logistical problems to overcome, as always with MTV, but overcome we did and soon enough Steve-O and Chris Pontius were on the road and cumming over and over again all over the backseat of a Jaguar supplied by Max. You won’t be seeing any of this spunky activity in Part 1 here of the jackass gumball rally special—nor any other part for that matter—but you can hear all about it in the latest Purple Pony today!

Today’s news will be limited in scope at best. I say this because I can’t even get on the site right now due to some errant Flux midgets and I’m feeling a severe disconnect from the world of jackass and the lunacy it comprises. Actually, the site hasn’t worked right here in the office ever since Rick Kosick made off with Josh’s computer, a/k/a “the website,” during his infamous live moments on the lunatic fringe late Wednesday afternoon. For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, then I suggest checking out the latest jackassworld live replay featuring Kosick, Josh, and Amanda’s not-so-innocent can of Irrational Fits of Uncontrollable Rage String™. Good times indeed, considering we weren’t even going to go live at all for fear of not being to be able to top the previous week’s Sign Of The Fox show. But if you haven’t seen any of us poking around the back alleyways in the community or responding to our mail during the day, well, that’s the fluxing reason why. Actually, it’s probably for the best given the extremely deviant twist the community has taken of late. (more…)

Herro everybody! I’m finally back from another wacky Gumball Rally. This time Ryan Dunn, Bam Margera, Loomis Fall, and myself went from San Francisco to the Olympics in Beijing, China! Oh yeah, and we stopped over in Pyongyang, North Korea! What a time we had! For the next five days here on the site, we will be posting the 2001 jackass gumball rally special, featuring Steve-O and Chris Pontius barreling through Russia with their cocks out. We’d show you the new footage, but you’ll have to wait a bit…the thing is we’re broke here at jackassworld and can’t afford another hard drive to transfer all the wacky Gumball madness—not to worry, Wolfie has assured me that a big-ass hard drive is on its way! So until we’re able to show you the new shit, look for that good old classic shit. Oh yeah, that’s not a typo: that’s NORTH Korea!

…and Ryan Dunn.

You remember growing up when people would pinch your snotty little schnozz and go,”I got your nose”? You would jump up and down trying to get it back, but you knew that no one actually had your nose. It was all just playful nose stealin’ fun. Well in some parts of west Africa the same thing is kinda happening with penises, except it ain’t all just playful penis stealin’ fun. It’s serious… sorta. According to Reuters, “Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.” That’s right, witches are stealing dicks. Shrinking them too! (more…)

Yesterday was one of those “eh” days in the office. No, not in the Canadian sense, just kind of blasé, where we really couldn’t muster two shits of creative thought for jackassworld live that afternoon. Plus, we’d just come off such a good show with Sign Of The Fox and Wee Man the previous week that anything to follow would most likely be a let down. So throughout the day I deflected inquiries about the show from the community (one person I’d even told that if we did go on to not expect much as it would probably be a very short affair, perhaps punctuated by the routine angry outburst of sorts from the host), up until around 2:00pm when Rick Kosick finally decided to cancel the show altogether. Accordingly, I distributed a formal bulletin to all registered community members. (more…)

My timing is a little off on this post, but then again time itself was a little askew throughout the whole jackassworld 24-hour takeover of the MTV studios in general. Sure, it was only on air for 24 hours in all, but there were several hundred man-hours leading up to that fateful weekend in February that made for a surreal time indeed. And it seems even more so now, if only because all of the footage slid into the jackassworld cellar so damn fast it felt just like one of those mystery poos. You know, where you know for a fact that you’ve just eked out a BM, but when you go to take that last look in the bowl prior to flushing it is nowhere to be found. Not even a smear! (more…)

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