jackassworld

John Hodgman is the PC guy in the Mac commercials. I’m a fan of John Hodgman’s work, but I hate those commercials. Who gives a shit which computer you use? I’m a Mac user, have been forever-in fact, I grew up in Cuper-fucking-tino, the birthplace of Apple computers-but those commercials are having the opposite effect on me: I’m beginning to hate Apple. I don’t like being part of a brand. I don’t define myself by the brand of tires on my car and I sure as fuck don’t define myself by the type of typewriter I write on. It is not a cultural issue, it’s a fucking tool. And anyone that wants to argue about it should just fucking die right now. If you’re one of those people that thinks your computer is cooler than my computer, you’re a douche pickle. Awww, you’re united by a keyboard and a plastic screen, so cute.

What upsets me even more about those commercials is how blatantly false they are. There is little difference between a Mac and a PC, but Apple has tried to create a difference between the two: PCs are boring, Macs are fun/cool. It’s like comparing mini vans: none of them are fun or cool. And as I said earlier, Apple has failed so horribly with this campaign that they’ve managed to piss off actual Apple customers such as myself: I don’t want to be associated with this piece of shit I’m typing on anymore.

The lies:
Like the one commercial titled “Out of the Box.” Tania has a Dell and I remember her taking it out of the box (one box) and surfing the world-wide-web moments later. What computer doesn’t do that? And then, again, Macs are cool, while a PC, on the other hand, is just “good at crunching numbers and making pie charts.” I’m not sure how sitting at a computer can be considered fun-even when you’re jacking off to it (that’s really sad, actually)-but I know one area where the Mac is decidedly not fun: downloading music. I’ve tried a number of times over the years to get into this free downloading music thing, but every time I do, I run into a brick wall. And thus I’ve concluded that Macs are not good at downloading music. That’s why I have Tania download my music for me on her PC. And then we listen to the music when we are doing FUN things like getting drunk and having sex.

Lastly: We were recently married, but we almost weren’t recently married because of a fucking iPod. Tania’s iPod, which contained all of our wedding music, took a shit the morning of our wedding. That was some extra stress we really needed that morning: NO WEDDING MUSIC! “But why did it freeze up?” Well, because I did something crazy and plugged her iPod into my iBook. WHOA! An Apple product into another Apple product? ZHURP! DONE! One explanation that was given to me was that taking the iPod from Tania’s PC and plugging it into my Mac, shocked it. Shocked it? What is it, a fucking Pixar character? It’s a good thing that fucker Steve Jobs wasn’t around that morning because he would have suffered a ghastly iDeath.

For more Apple hating, check out Maddox’s site-always entertaining-and his take on the Mac vs. PC debate. A classic: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=macs_cant

Anyway, John Hodgman . Yeah, I like him. And his book, The Areas of My Expertise, which came out a couple years ago, is worth the read, if only for my favorite part: the list of 700 famous hobos. I’m as astounded as you that a list of 700 Hobo names could be one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time, but it is. But thankfully I’m not the only person to have enjoyed it because there’s an entire website dedicated to portraits of the 700 hobos . Read the list here . I can’t find my favorites, but here’s a small sample.

#68: Beef-or-Chicken Bob Nubbins
#71: Canadian Football Pete
#108: Cthulhu Carl
#126: Drinky Drunky Thom, the Drunk
#466: Damien Pitchfork, the Freightyard Satan
#485: Both Dakotas Dave
#513: Most Agree: It’s Kilpatrick
#556: Prince Hal Oystershuck, the Royal Shucker
#557: Unconditional Gavin