moe the monkey
I know Moe is a chimp. “Chimp,” however, is not funny. “Monkey” is funny. Are we cool with that? Good. Second, the only reason this is going up is because it is a story which involves monkeys ripping a dude’s nuts off. And then they ripped his nose off. And one of his feet. And his butt. I think it’s the butt part that makes me laugh. I recently heard an interview with David Sedaris and he had a similar reaction to buttocks being shorn from the body. The interviewer asked him to tell a story that he thought was funny, but no one else did. The story he chose—a true story—involved an old lady who was too impatient to wait for her son to come over and mow her lawn. So she got on the tractor-mower-thing herself and started mowing her lawn. However, she fell off the back of the mower and landed in the blades. She suffered a long list of limbs and appendages that were lost to the mower blades, including her buttocks. “If it had ended before the buttocks,” Sedaris said, “it wouldn’t have been funny.” I think mowing someone’s ass off is pretty funny also, but it’s not as funny as two fucking monkeys ripping a dude’s ass off. (Moe, incidentally, was not involved in the ass grabbing.) And while the idea of ripping someone a new ass seems improbable—like, how do you grab it…it’s just hard to picture, no?—I don’t doubt that a couple of monkeys would have much trouble with it. I “interviewed” Louie the Chimp, the skateboarding monkey, a few years ago for Big Brother, and while he was just a baby, he had the strength of ten men in his arms. I’m pretty sure he would have had no trouble ripping my buttocks off. Instead we French kissed.
Anyway, Moe, who was at the center of the buttock ripping story a few years ago, is now lost in the forest, far from his noseless, footless, dickless, assless owner. He’s probably scared. Actually he’s probably not scared—if you can rip someone’s ass off, what do you have to be scared of? But maybe he’s hungry? HUNGRY FOR ASS! Anyway, we’ve decided to throw up a bunch of our own monkey business in honor of Moe. Louie the Chimp will go up next week.
