jackassworld

I don’t like bullies. REALLY dislike them. As a matter of fact, I have lost more than a few fights to two or more guys because they thought they could enforce their will on me. Well, they couldn’t. I mean, yeah, they beat my ass nine ways to Wednesday, but I did not back down. Just like at my 5-year-old friend Owen’s birthday party. One of his pals (pictured here) was really going out of his way to back me down. He was calling me “meanie butt” and complaining to everyone within earshot about the way I was rolling the kickball. This was accompanied by this “future candidate for unemployment” savagely punching me in the hindquarters when I wasn’t looking. Cowardly, I know, and when he had the temerity to question who the Green Lantern was during a heated game of cartoon tag, I had had enough.

I don’t like fighting and I don’t recommend it to settle an argument, but when all the other 6-year-olds in the backyard are laughing in your face, you have to take a stand. And take a stand I did. I totally kicked this guy’s ass. Look at the picture, he’s just laying there like a rag doll, vanquished and humbled. It took three other kids to pull me off of him. Three!!! And I don’t want to gloat, but yeah, I relieved him of the snow cone he was so smugly enjoying moments before. Face! I didn’t totally want to show this dude up, though, so when his mom came to pick him up I gave him an autographed picture of me with my shirt off and half a box of Nerds. Anyway, I consider violence the last resort in trying to settle a dispute, but just like Kenny Rogers sagely crooned, “Sometimes you got to fight to be a man.”

Love,

Knoxville

P.S. This picture is not only great because you get to see me handing another guy his ass, but you also get a good look at my alopecia ariata in full bloom. Alopecia ariata is a skin condition that makes your hair fall out inexplicably in clumps. I have since undergone treatment and my hair is back to normal, but in this shot you can see the missing hair very clearly. And yeah yeah, I know it’s not only missing but it’s really gray, too. Well, here’s a news flash: my hair has been gray since my early twenties and I just dyed it up until two years ago (finally reached the conclusion that if I can’t act my age, the very least I could do is look it). That’s enough about that, though. Just look at me one more time exacting my revenge on this bully of all bullies. HA!!!

(Photo by Naomi Nelson)