jackassworld

Many years ago, when we first thought of shooting the “ol’ man bit” for the television show, we knew we needed someone to play my wife. Luckily, the role of Mrs. Irving Zisman was filled by the one and only Dottie Barnett. We used Dottie a couple of times on the show. She was always a good sport and spot-on believable no matter how insane the premise. Once, me and Tremaine (hiding the spy-cam not so slyly in his cowboy hat) took her to a taxidermist and asked if it was possible to stuff her for posterity after her passing. Well, due to Dottie’s dialogue and her not cracking a smile, the taxidermist was seriously considering honoring her wish. What the f’? How good of an actress do you have to be to get someone to believe that bologna?

One of the times we filmed with Dottie was the same day we filmed the two bits with Brad Pitt (first we filmed a “Night Monkey” bit and then stuck him in front of Pink’s and kidnapped him right out of the line). Anyway, Dottie had brought some homemade shrimp into the kitchen where Brad and I were talking. Now shy is one thing Dottie ain’t. At first she didn’t recognize Brad, but then she did a double-take and looked at him over her glasses and said, “Hey, you’re in pictures, aren’t you?” Ha ha ha…what a funny way to put it. Anyway, she wasn’t intimidated in the least. She takes the Tupperware lid off the shrimp and orders Brad and I to eat a few. Like we were suddenly eight-years-old again, Brad and I immediately started digging in. I remember the first one was pretty tasty, and I think Brad’s was too, because he didn’t get a funny look on his face. The funny look did arrive, though, and it arrived on both of our faces right after we bit into our second shrimps. They were frozen as hell, but Brad and I didn’t let on to Dottie they were because we didn’t want to hurt her feelings. We just chewed a lot slower and smiled at one another crunchingly. Looking back, we totally could have made a joke to Dottie about it. She has a great sense of humor and isn’t sensitive about things whatsoever. If we would’ve spoke up, her reply probably would have been something along the lines of, “Well why don’t you run them under hot water, you two nitwits?!”

Today is Mother’s Day and I want to wish my mother Lemoyne, my sisters Lynne and Krisden, and mothers everywhere a very happy Mother’s Day. Most of all, I want to wish my friend Dottie Barnett a very happy Mother’s Day, too. Dottie is in a hospice in the Valley and her health isn’t very good. The doctors said she prolly wouldn’t make it two more weeks, but that was three weeks ago. In true Dottie fashion, she has started fighting back and is doing a little better now. Tremaine and I went to see her last week, and her body did appear frail but her mind was sharp as a tack. She had total recall of every second we spent together and quizzed us on things that I couldn’t even remember. We were really blown away by how amazingly her mind works. Dottie is a tough ol’ cookie and she sure means a lot to me and the boys.

Dottie, we send you our love and hope you have as nice of a Mother’s Day as you can in that damn hospice. And we hope next year you will be celebrating it in your own home. Who knows, maybe Brad Pitt and I will bring you some frozen shrimp. Ha ha ha… By the way, did you get his number Dottie? Because he didn’t give it to me! Damn.

—Johnny Knoxville