jackassworld

My friend Russ sent me a link to this dude’s website. Naturally I had a lot of questions. As I’m sure you do. My first was, “Will you paint a nude portrait of me?” He said he would. So I sent him a picture of myself looking like I had just ascended Mt. Everest in nothing but my socks and Vans.

“Hi David,” he replied. “WoW you look so different to who I imagined (not a bad penis ! as penissses go!) but It will be a bit difficult to paint I usually just do portraits— just the face. If I could suggest sitting on a bar stool with your penis dangling down and your head slightly forward it hard to explain—shit I’ll try it.”

And attached was a photo of him on a bar stool. A little more of him than I needed.

I tried shooting the same photo, but I just couldn’t get it right. And I wasn’t about to enlist anyone’s help. So I struck a “thoughtful gangster” pose and sent that off to him. Apparently it worked because he painted my picture with his dick. And then I called him and asked him, “What the fuck?”

How would you describe what you do?

I paint pictures, mainly portraits of people who sit in front of me at lifestyle shows and things like that, and parties, hens parties. And I paint totally naked—well not totally naked, I have a top hat on and a pair of boots, and I used my penis as a paint brush.

How did you start painting with your penis?

I thought of it years ago actually, and I just really didn’t think it would be possible to do it front of people, I didn’t think they’d actually think it was acceptable. I mentioned it to a friend, and he said, “Well we’re having a party, why don’t you try it there.” And I just sort of did it after a few drinks and people were quite surprised that you could actually make a decent living painting using penis.

Decent indeed. I was just wondering if you were jacking off with paint all over your cock one day or something and just decided to start painting

Well it does happen. When I first started, you know, I got erectus for every single 30 seconds of trying it. But after you do it for a while it becomes quite natural, and it becomes quite a natural way to paint, and you don’t really get that aroused.

Tim, there is nothing natural about sticking your dick into a can of paint. So is your brush—like you just started to say something about it getting hard. It looks like it’s a bit soft. Does it matter whether your dick’s hard or soft when you’re painting?

It’s much easier if it’s soft and pliable, squashy, you get a much better result.

There are a bunch of technical questions a lot of people have. First, is it unpleasant scraping your dick across a canvas?

Not really. The one I’ve done with you is on canvas, but I’ve given it six coats of gesso and sanded it off in between coats. It takes quite a while to actually prepare a canvas, but normally I’ll just paint on paper.

A lot of people say that “Men think with their dicks,” so I’m wondering, does your dick decide what to paint, or do you tell your dick what to paint?

Well I don’t actually think too much when I’m painting, and you know it just sort of happens. I stand there in front of a person, or I look into the girl’s eyes, or whoever is in front of me, and I just paint. I don’t consciously think, “Oh well I better put an eye there, and a nose there.”

You mentioned girls, how do women respond to this?

I find that most young girls, 18, 19-year-olds are a little bit shy, but if I do a hens party or something like that, it’s usually the mothers and the aunties that, after they’ve had a few drinks, you know, come out of themselves quite a bit, you know, want photographs taken.

I worked for Larry Flynt for a little while, so I got to meet a lot of porn photographers and I learned about the escapades, what happens after they’ve finished making their “art.” Have any of your art sessions resulted in a little, you know, hanky panky?

Oh no, no, no, no, no. No I’m very serious about what I do here. It’s just art.

You’re very serious about it?

Oh yeah, well it’s fun, but I’m not that sort of a devious sort of person, I just like people to have fun really. And I just do it for a laugh basically.

No, painting portraits of people with your dick isn’t devious at all.

Well I just sort of try and make it fun. Somebody doesn’t get bored.

Do you only use paint, or have you ever used-and perhaps you’ll get the nib of my gist-have you ever used your natural whites or yellows?

No, no I haven’t, I don’t think that’s terribly pleasant.

I didn’t realize that your butt was a part of it also, so I guess I’m wondering, has brown ever been used as a color.

On the background. Yeah some people like the brown, especially the browns and yellows, like autumn leaves and things.

Regarding my picture, what did you think of my photo when you got it?

Yeah, it was good, I tried to alter it a bit to make it look more like a caveman, but it didn’t quite work, so I just did it as you set it.

Had you ever painted a nude man before?

Oh yeah, a few. Not that many. Most men are a little bit shy about it, I don’t know. And even gay people aren’t that into it.

Really?

Yeah I’m surprised I haven’t had more gay people wanting it done.

I’m surprised also, because at some point while you were painting, your dick had to touch my dick.

Yeah.

So first of all, does that make me gay?

I don’t think so. You know I sort emphasized that bit a bit, it makes it more watchable.

Does it make you gay?

Well, I don’t know.

You painted my lips. With the head of your penis.

Well you have to, you know. If I’m painting couples, like a man and a woman, when I do the guy’s mouth and teeth and things like that, I always look up and you can see a sort of smirk on their faces. They’re wondering what they should be doing, you know. Sometimes the woman says, “Ah he’s got his penis your mouth!”

Have you ever painted two canvases at the same time?

No, I haven’t done that, no.

That’d be kinky I think. Have you ever painted a canvas on the backside, from behind?

The backs of people’s heads or the back of the canvas?

Painted a canvas doggy-style basically.

Oh right, not really, no.

Are your paintings, safe? Can someone get a sexually transmitted disease from one of your paintings?

No I don’t think so, no. I did go to a dinner with a couple, that I painted a few weeks ago, and they’ve got a painting there, and they say, “We always show it to people,” and they say, “It’s a great a painting, just run your hands over that,” you know and their guests always feel it wondering why they’re feeling it, and they say, “Guess how that was painted? With a penis!” And people go, “Oh my God!”

So you don’t wear a condom when you do this?

Oh no, no. They fall off, I’ve tried.

I’m assuming every dude is thinking the same thing, what does paint in your dick hole feel like?

It doesn’t feel at all. You just drink a lot and piss it out really.

But it does get up into your hole then yeah?

A little bit yeah, a little bit, yeah, not much.

What kind of paint is it? So it’s not toxic then?

No it’s non-toxic acrylic paint.

OK, well good luck with that. Have you ever finished a painting prematurely?

I’d have to run off the stage at that point. A few times, I’ll just have to carry on, yeah when I’ve got a little erection happening, but I just try and think it down again, you know. But it seems to work.

So it turns you on then?

Um, well I have painted, like, body painting women, at nightclubs and things, you know? They’ve stripped off totally and wanted to be painted with flowers or something all over them, and that gets pretty erotic. You can’t really help not getting hard as a rock after about 10 seconds. People don’t seem to care actually.

Artists like to experiment with drugs, as you know, Have you ever experimented with Viagra for inspiration?

No, never tried that. I was always wondering, but I don’t like to try it because, might get hooked on it or something, that’s what people tell me. The fear is about taking it is that you can never actually do it without.

I hope you don’t mind me bringing up your son, but I was astounded to learn that your dick does other things.

I’ve got four kids, yeah.

Your dick has done a lot of things. Multi-tasker.

Yeah they’re all pretty cool with it. They don’t talk about it too much. They think it’s pretty cool.

Have you ever painted a canvas without its consent?

I did George Bush the other day, I don’t think he’d be too happy.

You did? You raped him didn’t you?

Yeah.

So you touched George Bush’s lips with your dick?

Yeah, I don’t think he’d be too impressed by that. Probably what he deserves.

Have you ever painted a self-portrait? Has your dick ever painted itself, and if so is that masturbating?

Well I did a self-portrait, and I entered in a thing called the Archibald Prize over here. It’s Australia’s top portraiture exhibition, and I got a lot of publicity, but they didn’t actually accept, I didn’t actually win it.

I’m not really sure what school of art you come from, but are there any other members (no pun intended) in your school of art?

Not as far as I’m aware, actually. I’ve been doing it like maybe three years and I haven’t actually had anyone that says, “I do it as well.”

If there is a pubic hair on my canvas, can I return it?

No.

But there won’t be because you’re completely shaved yeah?

Oh yeah, I shave every day really, just all over, only takes a couple of minutes.

Every day?

Just about. Well hair does grow, fairly quick, you know, and I’ve usually got one or two parties on every week. So I have to. I used to use that cream stuff, it eats away your hairs and that, but it started effecting the skin too much, so I stopped using that. I bought a load of these shavers and I can actually use them in bed, you know I just lie in bed in the morning shaving under the bed covers.

Wait. You got a bunch of dick hair in your bed?

Probably. Yeah, wake up slowly.

You’re not going to be able to pull any more chicks after that comes out. Your bed is full of pubic hair then?

No not really, They’re caked inside the shavers aren’t they, you know, blow it out.

So there’s money to be made in dick painting? You have a couple a week?

Yeah, that’s just little parties, like hen parties.

This is your job, this is what you do? You support yourself by painting people’s faces with your dick?

Yeah. Yeah well I do the Sexpo’s. I got one Sexpo about once a month, and my next one is in Cape Town, they’re flying me over to Cape Town for a week.

What’s a Sexpo?

It’s like an adult sex exhibition where they sell, well, vibrators, and they have shows, it goes on for four days. And it’s just a big celebration. And they give me my own stage, and I paint people all day long really, and I’m totally naked for four days, in the middle of like 50,000 people.

Do you have any formal art training?

I went to art school when I was younger, but I got sort of thrown a bit, and I ended up becoming a builder after a few years and all that, children and worked as a builder for 20 years, building houses all over the place. I’m still a registered builder. And then I had a pottery business, I made sort of Australian little things—

What did you say pottery?

Pottery, yeah pottery mugs with crocodile background on them and things like that.

Did you use your dick on the pottery wheel?

No.

Has your dick ever tried pottery or sculpture.

No, never.

Can your dick play guitar or drums.

No. I could probably play a drum, yeah.

Probably could. Could your dick play the didgeridoo?

That’s a random question isn’t it?

This whole thing is pretty random.