jackassworld

We know you guys got your little jackass community that you can jibber jabber on all day long, but if you’d like to write a letter directly to the jackassworld staff, you can mail it to: LETTERS c/o jackassworld.com, 7510 Sunset Blvd. #600, Hollywood, CA 90046-3408. Letters will probably be answered by Carnie because he seems to enjoy it for some reason, but we’ll try and get the real jackasses to answer letters when they can. Especially Pontius.

Blow a Bear

Dear Dave,

It has been many years since we irregularly corresponded. I’m Grady Sain, I used to make videogames in Chicago. Then I made television shows in LA. Now I moved to Lake Tahoe, where I plumb the depths in search of elusive freshwater whales. When I find one I will send you a picture for your blog.

Now I sell Swedish blueberries. Strictly hot, delicious Swedish blueberries. My delicious, hot blueberries are called “Blabar”, which is the Swedish word for blueberry. It’s technically pronounced “Blow-A-Bear”. But that’s a difficult thing to market to American families. So we pronounce it with a slight variation- “Blue-Bear”. That’s refreshingly less visual.

Hey- if you get bored or cold, check out our website

There’s alot of fun waiting for you. If you click on “Blabar Times”, you will see the things we do from time to time. If you click on “Blabar On The Air!”, you will see our TV show. It’s all about avoiding rickets and scurvy, which the Vikings did so successfully for aeons before the puny Spaniards and Portugese and British took the high seas in search of things Vikings had already plundered. Why? Because they ate blueberries and drank the hot, healthy juice! Delightful nutrition.

We shoot our TV show in our launchable A-Frame, here in South LakeTahoe Town. Come up for a visit! We’ll soak in a hot filled with Blabar, then launch… into relevant topics!

Yes, I know I got in a shopping cart. What else was I supposed to do? Not get in it? If the shopping cart is there, and you are as lazy and inquisitive as I am, it just has to be. The public demands it.

Join Us,
Grady Sain

How’d you get so much air? Very impressive. I could have used some blow bear this weekend. I have had a head cold. No doubt due to the copious amounts of angel dust my wife and I did in Mexico last week. We were at the tip of Mexico off the coast of Cancun, so we were nearer the source. Rubin (the little street urchin dealer guy-he had a pot leaf tattooed on his chest) assured me it was “puuuuure co-lum-being.” I didn’t believe him. And I didn’t care. I used to do meth, so what could be worse than that? But Rubin wasn’t lying. It was real cocaine. I had forgotten what it smelled like. A delightful bouquet. Froze my face. We didn’t do a lot, but I guess we did enough to fuck up our sinuses and leave them vulnerable to all the Mexican diseases that were surely floating around the cabin of our return flight home. Tania got it first, then after a couple days, she passed it off to me. Nice head cold. All weekend. On my bday even. It was friday. Thank you, you’re so kind. And I thought, “How nice it would be to have some Blabar.” Instead I drank wine. I wasn’t about to let a stupid Mexican cold ruin my birthday.

 

Switch or Not to Switch?

If you noticed that a pro was claiming he landed certain tricks switch when in fact he was just mirroring footage of tricks done regular, would it bother you? It’s supposedly being done by that loveable little guy that’s “changing the face of skateboarding”, Ryan Sheckler. Apparently changing the face of skateboarding involves crying on t.v., giving tours of your Range Rover, and mirroring your footage. I had heard this rumor and decided to look into it.

Supposed evidence #1 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnj2DFD7PTQ
If you watch at the beginning where he’s talking about doing “everything switch”, first he’s shown switch flipping down that gap. The wall is behind him off to the (viewer’s) left and the logo on his shirt is on his left/our right, which is the correct orientation if you’ve ever been to that gap (it’s known as the Commerce gap, but I’ve been told it’s gone now). Then he talks about practicing and landing “6 out of 10″ of his switch tres while they show clips of him failing and then landing switch tres at the same gap, same session. Look at how everything is reversed. The wall is on the other side, his shirt logo is on the other side…. stupid.

Supposed evidence #2 - Clip 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IjDza8E0cGY
and Clip 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HL9zxL9420

If you watch clip one at about 15 seconds into it, you see a regular stance back smith… Now watch clip 2 at about 21 seconds into it and notice the same back smith, but now it’s goofy footed. And it’s definitely the same back smith. The back pocket flair gives it away.

I don’t know, it’s nitpicky and all, but still… what the fuck is up with mirrored footage? Bothers me that this guy is the “face of skateboarding” and making all these heinous claims like he “helped make skateboarding what it is today” and shit. Gag.

Thoughts?

Scott

It is very nitpicky, but I think you’re absolutely right: it’s troubling.

In Ryan’s defense, however, I’m going to bet he had nothing to do with the mirrored footy. I suspect it was just the way the editors, who know nothing about skateboarding, put it together. They’re not concerned with reality, they’re concerned with how the show looks and if he looks better going the other way, they’re going to make him go the other way. Goofy? Regular? Who gives a shit? They don’t care about the difference between a grind or a kickflip. As long as there’s a skateboard involved somewhere, it’s fine.

If, on the other hand, Ryan does know and/or orchestrated, then yeah, that’s blasphemy. We’ll have to find out from Ryan.

Wino

Dear Dave, we’ve corresponded in the past, and mostly what you wrote to me was about coprophilia. Since I’m sure you write plenty of emails about coprophilia to strangers I don’t expect you to remember any of it. I’m writing you because your advice/opinion is needed: I enjoy drinking alcohol as much as the next person, but for years I’ve pretty much stuck to bourbon, whiskey and beer. Jim Beam if I’m poor, Jameson or Maker’s Mark if I’ve got some change, and single malt fancy shit when I have something to celebrate. In an attempt to expand my horizons I’ve decided to try wine. I truly know nothing about wine, but you’ve mentioned drinking wine a bunch of times. I don’t expect you to give me a course, I was just hoping you could recommend some stuff for me to try out. I figure you are well versed in the skate/punk/douchebag metal dude/bourbon-drinking-dickbag world and would know what kind of wine an idiot like that might enjoy.

Take care, Tim
TIMOTHY COLLIER, YE-3, DAF
Radar Maintenance, 71st Communications Squadron 71CS/SCMR

 

Hi Tim, and thanks for writing. Good question, and yes I do drink a lot of wine and I can offer a few suggestions for anyone interested in getting drunk on grapes. First of all, I rarely drink beer anymore. Not that I don’t like beer, but it’s always left me feeling a tad bloated and heavy. Then, about eight years ago, I discovered white wine. (I should mention here that while I enjoy red wine, I don’t drink very much of it. I’m almost strictly a white wine drinker.) For some reason, a well-chilled bottle of white wine to me is cleaner, crisper and lighter than beer. It also contains more alcohol (beer is around 4% alcohol, while wine is around 13%), so you don’t need to drink as much to get you where you want to be. For those of you who drink a lot, you’ll understand what I mean when I say that different boozes produce different buzzes. And I like the white wine drunk better than the beer drunk. I can’t explain why, but that’s my perception. Lastly, I’ve even narrowed my taste down within the white wine family. I used to drink all of them, but now I tend to stay away from the heavy and more flavorful varieties like chardonnay. I don’t know how to say it in wine-speak, but chardonnays tend to have too much flavor. There’s an oaky, buttery flavor that I’ve found I don’t agree with. So I tend to favor the lighter varieties such as sauvignon blanc and pinot grigio. They’re the best at creating that crisp, cool taste I enjoy. I’ve been told the word to describe the style I like is “minerally.” To enhance the sensation even more, I drop a couple ice cubes in my glass as well (something I developed one hot summer and have continued since). While it dilutes the wine a little (which I like because it cuts down the flavor even more), the real reason I put ice in my glass is because it keeps the wine cold for the duration of my relationship with it. Which, admittedly, isn’t very long as I tend to throw back glasses of wine like I’m drinking shots. And while I prefer the taste of wine over anything else—it’s my favorite drink—let’s be honest here: I drink to get drunk.

Another factor I didn’t mention above is price. Getting drunk on wine isn’t any more expensive than beer. It can even be cheaper. Most of the wines I buy are well under ten dollars, and it’s not no Nighttrain/MD 20/20 shit. I also shop almost exclusively at Trader Joe’s because they buy huge volumes of a lot of different wines and thus are able to pass the bulk savings on to their customers. In fact, I buy cases of wine at TJs so often that I alternate my visits between two of them so that they don’t think I’m a total drunk.

I don’t really have a favorite. I just find ones I like and stick to them as long as they stay in stock. Here’s a few that I’ve been buying lately:

La Ferme Julien. $4
France! This is one of my favorites. Super cheap, twist off cap (easy access) and it has a cool label. It’s a goat now, but the year before it was a cock. Nothing like sucking on some cock.

Parducci $5
Another twist off. And if you’re a hippie, you’ll love this wine because they’re all environmental and shit. I prefer to get drunk and not think about the environment.

Gaetano D’Aquino $5
While I don’t have a favorite, I’ve found that Italian whites share that crisp, minerally flavor I like so much. I can slam this shit.

Marques de Caceres $5
Spain’s wines are very similar to Italy’s. Clean and crisp. Some wine guy would probably disagree with me, but he doesn’t drink as much as I do.

Frascati Matador $5
I couldn’t tell you the name of any of the wines I drink if I’m not looking at them. I drink ‘em, I don’t read ‘em. Similar to La Ferme Julien (cock wine above), this one, in my mind, is, “The bullshit wine in the frosty bottle.” It’s my short little fat friend.

Some others that I didn’t take pictures of—well, actually I took pictures of them, but I was hungover and they’re all blurry. So I deleted them, but they included Papio (monkey wine! This one is often at the regular supermarket), and La Boca (an Argentinian wine that’s also fairly easy to find). Enjoy Tim.