jackassworld

This is the meanest little bastard I ever saw. I was at my daughter’s basketball game at the Y, and I ran into this kid out in the courtyard. He looked like a cross between a midget Subcommander Marcos and one of the bank robbers from the North Hollywood shootout.

Apparently, when I was a kid, I was a monster myself. I would consider my golden years from the age of four to the age of six, because I was at my absolute worst. Of course I didn’t realize it at the time because I was little and mean as shit. I was really bad about hitting people in the balls then. Grown men would see me coming and back up into the closest wall and cover their crotch. [Ed. note: Times really haven't changed much...we're all doing the same damn thing now whenever Knoxville enters the room. —Cliver] Those who didn’t got laid out. I was like a Tasmanian devil for testicles!

And that’s not all. At four years old I was quite the poet. How about, “Catshit, batshit, pussy good as hell, cocksuckin’ motherfuckin’ rebels give em’ hell!” to get the Sunday school class going. Anybody impressed? My mom wasn’t. She really wasn’t impressed when we were at the beach and I was pissing onto sunbathers by the pool from the balcony two stories above. I almost got away with it, but they immediately started yelling to my mom (who didn’t see the pee) that I had dumped water on them. Thinking quickly, I corrected their misinterpretation of the events and told them I had in fact whizzed on them. I knew I was going to get a beatin’ for admitting to that, but I thought what I did was funny and by god I wanted my credit. Well, mom gave it to me in the form of several slaps to my hindquarters. It didn’t really faze me, though. Mom hit like a girl.

Anyway, sorry for getting off point. This little shit was a terror. He was punching anyone who got close and it didn’t matter what size they were. One teenage boy two heads taller than him walked up and tried to get him to stop upsetting everyone. That quickly earned the do-gooder five knuckles to the nose. I fell absolutely in love with this kid. He had a hard plastic sword he liked to use when his fists got tired, too. He really had it all. Look at those eyes. Wow, you see eyes like that and you know hell is coming. What an angel!!

—Johnny Knoxville