jackassworld

I wasn’t really all there. I was there for about 16 hours. Two thirds! Then little baby went back to the hotel and went to sleep. I don’t remember that part, but I did wake up in my hotel bed next to Tania. But when I was there, I kept getting busted for stuff. Sometimes for stuff I didn’t even do. Here is a list of the things I learned while on the set of MTV.

1. You cannot drink beer in the MTV green room unless it is in a paper cup, and even then, it’s not cool.
This one baffled me because I thought backstage was where bad things were supposed to happen, but you weren’t even allowed to drink beer. Which, incidentally, the security guards saw me bring in. They looked in my paper bag, saw my $10 six pack of Budweiser (New York is expensive) and said, “Go ahead.” Tremaine, on the other hand, said, “NOOOOO!” He didn’t yell. But he was very disappointed in me and he told me that if I got busted for drinking a can of beer the whole thing would be shut down. “Really?” That made me want to drink more. If I die of alcoholism, somebody sue Tremaine for me.

2. Do not ask the PAs to get you beer.
This I simply did not do. Well, not seriously anyway. When I was in my little corner in the green room pouring a beer into a paper cup, a PA came in and asked, “Does anybody need anything?” I jokingly (I thought) said, “Yeah, some beer.” “What kind do you want?” he asked. “Whatever kind you got,” I said. I was later scolded in a hallway, “You can’t send a PA out to get you beer!” Who snitched on me?

3. You cannot smoke pot in the dressing rooms at MTV.
What’s funny about this is I haven’t smoked pot in years. “QUIT SMOKING POT!” they said to me. I did actually smoke pot at the Monterey Bay Aquarium a few months ago, but that’s because there are jellyfish there. How could I not? Anyway, I was in a dressing room with someone who was smoking pot. A lot of pot. His name ends with O. His first name spelled backwards it’s e-v-e-t-s. We ended up getting him a special van on the street that drove around the block a few times so we could all do drugs in a safe environment-or at least an environment that wasn’t on MTV property.

4. Do not egg Steve-O on.
This was the most shocking rule of all. “Is this jackass?” I said, looking around. “Maybe I’m in the wrong place?” Don’t egg him on? I know he doesn’t really need it, but a little push here and there doesn’t hurt. Unfortunately one of the times I was egging him on was during the Evil Knievel special and dude just grabbed a ladder and walked out on stage. Oops. That’s when I sort of realized it might not be a good time. Sort of disrespectful to the great Evil. So I pulled Steve-O off stage. “Hey, not now!” “Oh yeah, you’re right!” he said. I got yelled at anyway.

5. Do not slap the public.
This is a big no-no. And while I understand the legalities of it all now, I got pretty pissed when I was told by MTV’s legal department that I couldn’t slap the shit out of that dude from Wisconsin to make him puke.

6. Do not slap any member of MTV’s legal department.
This, apparently, is an even bigger no-no than slapping some dude from Wisconsin.

Other than that I spent most of my time at Jimmy’s Corner, a lovely little bar across the street. I met comedians Nick Swardson and Horatio Sands. In fact they bought me and Tania beers. Thanks fellas. And from about midnight to four am, we hung out with pro skaters Mike Carroll, Cairo Foster, and Rick Howard. I’m going to say exactly what everyone else has said about the experience, “That was fun, but let’s not do that again.”